Random

I don't know what to talk about, but feel like I should be writing. So who knows where this post will end up.

This week is definitely in my top shitty weeks of my life. What makes it so bad is that I'm afraid next week will top this one. And I've barely hung on this long. I'd estimate I've consumed about 500 calories in the last 4 days. And that might be a high estimate. I just can't eat. I'm sick with worry. I'm probably giving myself an awesome ucler, seeing how my diet is camel lights, water and worry and the daily handful of food a friend forces me to eat.

I've never been on this end of things. And I hope to hell I never am again. How can things change to so bad without you realizing it? I've learned not to regret, and I've done a lot of things in my life I should regret. But now that's all I do. Rehashing situations in my head that I could have, no should have, done differently. And one of my mottos that I usually do agree with is that all of my past experiences and choices lead me to where I am and who I am. But now, what could I have done to not get to this point? Anything?

And there is still a very optimistic side of me hoping that this point, albeit bad now, will be good in the long run. That this is necessary to move forward and be happy. Hopefully in the way I want. Like before but better. I guess in the end, one way or another, I will be happy again. But I want what I want. I only want to change the bad, I don't want to get rid of what is the best thing in my life.

Maybe one of my next posts will be happier. I fucking hope so. I can't take this anymore.