Loot-o-rama

So we finally dragged ourselves out of bed at noon to open presents. For two people, there was a huge pile of wrapping paper left over. I made out like a bandit, Sarah is so good. As is her family. From the family I got two seasons of Friends and a food processor! A nice one at that. And it's red so it will match my voodoo man knife holder.

From Sarah I got my perfume that I was juuuust running out of, a huge pack of colored sharpies (I'm an artsy nerd), and other sweet stuff. But my second favorite gift from her was my calender. It's called Pinup's for Pit bulls. Basically hot, tattooed pin ups and their adopted pits. So freaking awesome!

But the really, really, amazing gift she got me is a silk screen press! I can't believe it! I've wanted one forever but never got around to getting one. And hell, I don't know when I might have talked to her about it. Certainly not anytime recently. Good job baby! I can't wait to use it!!

I think I got her pretty good stuff, but she did way better. I am thoroughly impressed. Have I mentioned I'm a picky bitch? And while I won't be mean about it I often don't like what people get me. So she really did good.

Her parents got her a macro lens for her camera, so she's wandering around taking extreme close ups of things. I got her tons of bath salt stuff for her stocking along with a bath pillow. So she's already used those:) My little bath baby.

Of course Christmas isn't all about presents. Okay, it sort of is. But I am doing a good Christmas deed when I'm done blogging. We've been hiding a flat screen tv since Thanksgiving for a friend of ours. While they are out we're gonna deliver it. So they'll get back, he'll think Christmas is over and BAM, flat screen! I love it.

Then we're gonna veg and watch either prison break season 2, carnivale season 2, or friends. I'm pretty damn excited!

Merry Christmahanukwanzica!

Finally Snow! And Jodie.

And I'm actually glad it's here. This has been the weirdest weather ever. It's been clear and freezing cold for oh about the last two weeks or so. I live in Juneau, a rainforest, I never see the sun. Yet the ridiculously cold weather has had me waking up saying "Damn it, it's gonna be sunny again!" Do we get two weeks of sun in the summer, oh no. Never. But today, finally, no sun! It started snowing sometime last night and hasn't felt like stopping yet.

The reason I'm so happy that the sun is gone is that we don't have any real heat in our lovely apartment. Until today. Of course the day it slightly warms up is the day we get real heat. Ha. Our apartment had been about 40-55 degrees during this whole cold snap. Yesterday a friend and former landlord took it upon himself to come check out our boiler/heat or lack there of situation. He immediately called the gas company to see about getting smaller versions of the monitor heater that is in the basement. Then he calls the property manager and pretty much tells them they need to get these installed. Now. That we aren't living in habitable conditions. Did I mention he's a lawyer also:)

So the gas guys are running all over the building drilling and installing. Which is freaking our dog out like non other. And I can't let her get her energy out in the back yard because that's where they are. Oy. 

So to take our minds off the noise, we are gonna settle down on the couch and watch a movie. In fact, we are gonna watch Maverick, starring goofball Mel Gibson and hotter as she gets older Jodie Foster. Mmmm. Have you seen the Brave One? Talk about hot. The picture at the top says it all.

For S

This is a wordle I made for Sarah. It's parts of two Pablo Neruda poems. He is my all time favorite poet. If you haven't heard of him, check him out. Now!

Dreams and Schemes

I had a lame dream last night. It was basically a manifestation of my fears, played out in front of me like real life. I had another one a couple of weeks ago. Usually my dreams are as unintelligible as a psychopath's secret diary, tiny fragments of my day with lots of crazy added in. But I hate it when I have dreams that just seem real. And I'm helpless to fix things in them. I would have to assume it's my subconscious fears being brought up to the forefront. I know I'm afraid of what happened in the dream. I know I'm afraid I can't fix anything. But in the dream and definitely in real life, I want to. All I want to is fix things. But then my brain has always been good at offering up "I can't" at most signs of difficulty. It would surprise me to have a clear as day positive dream. It'd be nice, but unlikely.

The worst part of the dream, or one of them, was when I was trying to fix things, it just made it worse or it was too late. I had made them push away by trying to fix it. Talk about a fucking pickle. But obviously that's a dream, it doesn't really work that way. I need to try and fix things, it would be worse not to, right?

The other terrible part was the look of hate or even lack of emotions towards me. Like I had become so much of a stranger that even hate was too personal of an emotion to be used on me. That's what's sticking with me.

And when I say the dream was my fears, it's not like it's always on my mind. It's a fear that is occasionally brought to light, but I don't obsess over it. I would like that to be known. I'm afraid even explaining the dream will make things worse. But I already did. If I can't talk to them, who can I talk to?

Arg. What I really wanted to post about was a book I read last night. Creepers by David Morrell. I was loaned this book oh probably two years ago and never picked it up. He's the author of First Blood, the book Rambo is based on. I'm not a huge fan of Rambo, so maybe that's why I never started reading it. But this book is completely different. It's about a group of urban explorers getting ready to break into an incredibly well preserved hotel. The hotel was build at the turn of the century, and as the years progressed, the owner never updated the styles of anything. And there is a reporter along for the expedition. That's all I will tell you other than I was hooked in the first couple of pages. And nothing amazing happened on them, he's just a great writing at getting you engaged in the story.

I started reading it because we had to go the laundromat, yuck. I ended up staying up till 12:30 and finishing the book. I so very highly recommend it.

Now to walk the whiney puppy who was JUST outside.

To meat or not to meat

I've had the feeling inside that I want to go back to not eating meat again. I did it for a while, I guess I was a vegan for almost three years. It wasn't that hard, you just figure out what you can have. And make the rest. But that was about four years ago. Since then it's been the spectacular All-American diet. I still tend to veer to veggies, but I eat my fair share of meat or "meat" in fast food instances.
I'm tired of the food I eat being bad for me. Why on earth would I put something bad for me in me? Besides alcohol and tobacco, those are lovely vices for another day. But really, why? It tastes good. Okay, yes, generally the worse it is for you the tastier it is. But it's not like healthy food tastes bad. You get used to it too.
I've decided that I'm getting too old to keep beating up my body. Or completely ignoring it, that might be more accurate. It's not like I'm just gonna naturally be healthy with the way I eat and don't exercise. So I've started exercising also!
I can't afford our overpriced gyms, so I'm using a DVD I pilfered from the ex mom in law years ago. And I feel better already. Even the next day when I can barely walk, it's nice to feel my muscles again.
So if I'm gonna kick my ass doing squats all day, I need to be fueling my body with better foods. So what to get rid of? All meat? Some meat? Maybe just dairy? I don't know yet. But today for lunch instead of eating leftover porkchops with loaded mashed potatoes and corn, I made a veggie curry with steamed broccoli.
And I am contemplating joining Mrs. Bluemont's juice feast. It sounds pretty awesome. But then I need to buy a juicer and all the other stuff. And I know Juneau in the winter is not the time to live off of produce. Hell, not even in the summer. But maybe if I can find a good juicer on the cheap, I'll be more motivated to try.
We'll see what happens, but something is gonna. Just you wait.

Holly Jolly Holidays

Thanksgiving was fun. It was the first year it was just two people, not a ton, not going to a semi strangers house and dealing with random people. It was very nice for it to just be Sarah and me and the pets. Since it was just us we made tiny little cornish game hens. They were adorable and once I got Sarah to pick meat off it for me, they were delish.

We did pretty good, we got everything cooked with out any near fires or severed fingers. All with two massive hangovers. Pretty damn impressive. And we got done and out of the house in time to watch most of the A&M game. Or massacre, whichever. And just when I was getting nice and cozy on the couch at the Rendezvous, it was time for me to work. Blah. It was super slow. Super super slow. But at least there was a creepy old guy giving me weird dirty compliments. That's always fun. But after a while Carrie came down and he started talking to her. Trying to buy her drinks, etc. I guess old guys have no gaydar or he's just really determined.

Verity came down and brought me leftovers. Yum! But before she came, whilst it was massively slow, I did arts and crafts. A lemon had been left out, so I decided to turn it into a hedgehog. And I think it turned out pretty damn good. And if my computer wasn't so slow I'd upload to flickr so all the world could know my talents. And since it was still slow, I then moved on to coloring and made a hand turkey. Not a jive turkey or a hand jive, just a hand turkey.
Thankfully the night picked up around midnight and I was busy and made a few bucks.

Tonight Sarah and I are going to the Public Market. I'm so excited. I love the hustle and bustle and the smells and just the familiarity of it all. It will suck balls that I have zero dollars to spend there. But maaaaybe if I just can't live without it...

Been a while

Well I guess I haven't been on here in forever and two months. Whoops. I wanted this to be much more regular. But our free wifi we were picking up disappeared, so I have to go out and search the town for it.
So much and so little has happened. The dog and cat haven't killed each other yet, but they still don't like each other. Sarah got a new job at the beginning of the month. She works for the state, in the unemployment tax department. She likes it a lot more than the bank which is really good. We just got a new place and get to move in soon. It's so much better than our current place. It's two bedrooms, in a five unit building. It's up the hill in a much more residential area. And it's old without being crappy. It's so nice! I can't wait to move it and make it ours. It will be so nice to have space for everything. I want to get a sewing machine once I can afford it.
Maybe having a nicer place will make me feel more grounded and not want to leave. I really hate this place sometimes. It's just so dreary and full of dead ends, literally and figuratively. I feel like I want to sell everything I own and just leave. But I have nowhere to go, so I stay. And deep down I really like it here.
I'm supposed to be using the internet to find a better job. I guess my feelings about my job are the same about Juneau. Love it, hate it, full of dead ends. Definitely dreary. I put in my two weeks maybe two months ago. My boss begged me not to go, talked about me taking on more managerial responsibilities. So I stayed. I got rid of my shifts that I hated and didn't make any money at. I've learned a couple of new things. But not much has changed except now I make less money. What's wrong with this picture? But I really like working for who I do, they are the best bosses ever. It makes it hard to look for another job. And my nights I work, Wednesday and Thursday, make it hard to get a second job and still have time to see Sarah.
Speaking of my baby, next week is our first anniversary. I got her a really good present, I don't think she'll have a clue. Hopefully. Last year seems so far away from now. We seem like completely different people. And not really in a good way.
I have to cut this short. I thought my computer was plugged in, but apparently this outlet doesn't work. Looks like I have to go to the damn Rendezvous. Nothing is working right today.

Bucket list

I haven't seen the movie, and frankly I don't want to. Yes, let's watch old men do things and then die. Ahh, that does sound like two quality hours. Anyhoo, I do like the idea (but not the name) of a bucket list. Things to do before you kick the bucket, for those of you reading from under a rock.

I don't have a lot of things I have to do. I just don't care as much as others. But I do have at least two:

1. Get a traditional style super fucking painful tattoo. You know, the tap tap kind, not the buzz buzz modern kind. Preferably in New Zealand, one of the few faraway destinations that I really, really want to go to.
2. Go to Machu Picchu. I was just reminded of just how badly I want this when I was perusing Mrs. B's awesome pictures.

But I don't want to be pushing 60 and then decide to start crossing shit off my list. Sure, I could do these things when I'm old, buuut I don't wanna. But then I start thinking about how the hell could I afford to do either of these things anytime soon? I am going to be 60 before I can. Lame. So I must make myself do them, find ways to afford it. I spend too much money on frivolous things, I could be saving for a kick ass vaca far far away. 

What I really need to do is just work at my credit card debt. Once that's gone, if I filled it up again with a trip at least that would be more worth it than drinking and eating out.

Which brings me to quitting. I need to quit smoking. I could be saving so much money. Let's see, we'll say a pack a day, cause it pretty much is. That is $49 dollars a week at $7 a pack, $210 a month, $2,520 a YEAR. That is how much I spend, to kill myself yearly. Dear god, I don't want to get into how much I spend on drinks. Hell, even if I didn't save the money, I could afford to have cable and internet (not the spotty stolen kind), or it could go towards my debt. Or I could go to the gym, the good one in town, not the ghetto gym I used to. That's it. I have to quit again. I just need Sarah on my side this time. It's too hard to do when my lovely is still smoking after every meal. 

Anyway that turned into a lovely little ramble. Off to take pictures of Zyda while she's all sleepy and adorable.

We got a deeohgee!

Last week from the pound. We went in to look at the kittens, so Jack could have a friend. But all the kittens were already adoption pending. So we went to look at the dogs. And there she was, the cutest dog on earth. She's mostly white with large black spots, one over each eye. And when she yawns or pants her whole head opens up like a pez dispenser. Who wouldn't love her? So we met with her in a room and decided to fill out a form. We got approved and brought her home two days later. Her name at the pound was Freja, pronounced with a yah at the end. Sarah couldn't remember it, so we changed it. But we wanted to keep that yah sound so it would be any easier transition. We almost like the massively over used Bella. It's so pretty, but literally every other pit out there is named that. Then Frieda, that one almost made it. But we went with Zyda, as in zydeco music. Her full name is Zyda Mae Lion-Berry, isn't that cute? Kinda makes ya want to puke.

So far, Jack is not so happy with us for bringing a large slobbery dog into her domain. And tells us that every time she comes into the room, by hissing and scratching at Zyda. But she's just gonna have to get used to it. They're gonna be sisters and they're gonna like it.

When is too much too much?

So lately I haven't liked my job much. Or at all. I either work morning shifts which are lame because I have to get up early, deal with one or two non tipping assholes, and clean. Or go crazy from lack of mental stimulation. Then there are my night shifts, which I usually like more than not. But lately I just can't handle the same drunks trying to stagger their way in and then calling me racist when I kick them out. Yes I'm racist. Against a special race called perma-drunk. And now that my best friend is prego and another is leaving in a day, we don't have the awesome rendezcrew like we used to.
Every night it gets worse, more and more gets to me. And it's getting harder for me to be nice. It's turning me into an asshole bartender, which isn't fair to my bosses or the customers or me. I don't want to be a dick. I have a regular who I absolutely hate. He's what I'd call a leftover from the old ownership when it was a real shithole of a bar. He sits on this raised patio area and barks orders all night long. And if I happen to ignore him because I'm helping customers right in front of me, he comes up and yells at me. And threatens to tell my bosses. Yeah, okay dude.
But Friday was the worst. First off, I don't work Fridays anymore, but I was filling in. Right after I got there and it was getting busy, he starts in. Bitching left and right. I didn't have time to yell at him and just ignored him and his drunken friends. Later on in the night the cops came in to survey the scene, which they usually do. But this time the customer decided to tell them how to do their jobs. Big surprise, since that's what he does to me every day. But then he doesn't get out of their faces and they have to forcibly remove him from the bar. Are you fucking kidding me?! I was so mad at him for being a dick and pretty much getting me in trouble. So I was freaking out while they talked to him. I could go to jail if they decided he was too drunk to be in the bar. Luckily they came back in and said it wasn't my fault. Holy crap, talk about a free pass!
Then the really bad customer incident happened.
So this uber-asshole and his whiney wife came in and wanted beer and pull tabs. It was too busy for pull tabs so Sevanni told them that. They immediately started bitching and moaning. They kept pestering her and she finally told them no, just leave. The dude starts yelling really aggressively, so I walk over and pull their drinks and tell them to leave. Then the dude starts yelling at me. And I'm not gonna lie, he is an intimidating looking man. He then tells me, "big mistake. You forget what a small, small town this is. I'll see you again." So that's when I lose it and tell him to get the fuck out of the bar. His ho wife goes to the bathroom and he walks towards the door. When I see he's still inside I walk over and tell him to get the fuck out again. Pretty much yell it at him. He yells back that he's not leaving and to call the cops. Finally he leaves after a lot of yelling. I went back to work and was shaking so hard I couldn't hold a glass. Customers I didn't even serve came up and asked if I was okay. A girl bought me a shot. So nice. Why can't they all be nice?
So I was kind of shook up all night after that. I mean really, what if he did wait for me to get out of work? It was a Friday so at least they're would be two of us. But if he waits on a Wednesday or Thursday, I leave alone. That is fucking crazy. My job is not anywhere worth being afraid for my life. And he is one of the few crazy ones I would actually fear.
Big choices must be made. And soon.

Fam-Damily

First off, I am not happy that our pirated wifi in our apartment isn't working. How inconsiderate of others to not let me sap free internet from them:) This leaves me to hanging out in the bar during the day and using theirs. I would rather be at home "multitasking", ie doing ah load of laundry and blogging, but no, I have to go to the bar. And now that the Imperial's wifi isn't working well or at all, I have to use the Rendezvous'. I hate hanging out at work before I have to work. Hate it. But it's a means. Anyway life recap:
Sarah's whole frickin family came to Juneau. Holy crap. First her twin sister and her husband came in on Thursday afternoon. They're nice fun folks. We took them to the brewery, always a good place to start. Then that evening her mom, dad, brother and his wife came into town. I didn't meet them until 7am the next morning when they decided to have breakfast. After I had to work and close the bar down, thanks guys.
Friday we did soooo many tourist things, we should be guides. We took them to Costa's for breakfast, went to the glacier, hiked to the falls near it, half of them saw a bear. Then we went to the Salmon Bake, damn it's gross food, but it was fun. The the salmon hatchery to see what they had just ate. Then we went on a whale watching tour with Sarah's old company and capt. And we saw whales! Sarah and I needed some drinks after spending the day sneaking cigarettes and not holding hands in front of her fam, so we had oh, a couple:) And we may have stayed out till bar close.
Saturday the bro in law had some road race to run, fool. So we slept in as long as we could. Which wasn't long. That day the kids all went fishing and Sarah and I got supplies for rockabilly night.
Sunday they went out to Tracy Arm, I really wish I could have gone. It's so pretty out there, just amazing. But no, I was stuck at the sucky bar.
The visit overall was fine, everyone was nice. It was a little weird to not feel comfortable being how I want to be. But the funniest part of the visit was Sarah's sister in law. We were eating dinner the night before they were to go to Tracy Arm. Sarah said we had some gloves they could borrow and I asked her if she knew where they were. She said they were above the kitty litter, and so I said we probably had several pairs they could borrow. Then "super nice but head in a hole" sister in law exclaims "I get it! You two are roommates!" Yes, we're roommates. In a one bedroom. With one bed. That's why I get up early to have breakfast with you after working all night at the bar. Because I'm Sarah's roommate. Oy. But it was so funny when she said it, I had to turn my head and look out the window and start talking about the weather so I wouldn't start laughing.
But they're all gone now so I can go back to being all sappy and lovey to Sarah wherever I feel like it.

Something in the water

In the last two weeks two very close friends have told me they're expecting. And not a letter. I'm incredibly happy for both of them. One, my best friend, has had a not so smooth relationship with her boyfriend and they weren't actively trying ttc. But they did and they're very happy about it. My other friend just told me yesterday that his girlfriend is pregnant. I don't know how intentional it was, but I know that he's wanted children forever. I am super excited about it.
But at the same time, it's so strange. My circle of friends is always changing, that's just life. But now it is really changing. Did I mention I have a friend who is due in about two months? I'm afraid it will create a seperation between me and my friends. That there will now always be a hidden distance between us.

I'm most afraid about this regarding my best friend. When I left my ex and moved back home, she and I started hanging out. We were both in fun but very unhealthy parts of our lives. It was great, partying and acting irresponsible. And over the years we've both calmed down, grown up, whatnot. We are both in relationships, so that already changes the dynamic of our friendship. It's not what are we (me and her) doing? It's what do we all want to do (me, her and our others)? Or we spend time with our others. Which makes total sense and I'm fine with it.
But now that she's going to be a mom, I don't know if we will have our same friendship (or even something close to it) and that's hard. I love kids, wanted kids for years, still kind of want them. But it will be different, her having the responsibility of another life. And me not. The hollow slight jealously of her having what I want and can't have.

I wanted kids for such a long time, tried pretty damn hard to get them, but never did. When I left the ex, I didn't want them anymore. I was fairly disillusioned about everything. But over the last 8 or so months I have been going back and forth on the issue. I've feel like I've found someone that I would want to have children with. And at times it seems like she wants the same thing. Which makes it even harder. The refound hope hurts worse than not having any. One day it's great and the next day I feel like we won't make it through the night. The real problem is that I keep all of this inside my head. I'm not a very talkative person when I should be. I have the hardest time opening my mouth and speaking when I should. So I go through these ups and downs kind of alone. With her left wondering what the hell is going on.
If it seems that I am in one of the "want baby" phases, it's not really true. Because I have hope and faith in our relationship, I always want children in the back of my head. But having all of these pregnancies around me isn't making it any worse.

What does sort of make me sad is that we don't have the option of "not really trying ttc", it just happening and us dealing with it. I know we're not ready at this stage for that even if it could happen. But that it can NEVER happen is just so frustrating. When, if, we get to that stage of trying, we will go through what so many others already have, the charts and pills and syringes and waiting. The hope and crush. I don't know if I can do that. Ever. I just don't know. I've read what a strain it is to try, I don't know if I could survive it. If we could survive it. Surely not now, but maybe not even in the future. I feel like it would rip us apart, and that's obviously not what's intended. And well that doesn't really give me a lot of hope. And there it is again the pain of hope mixed with the lack of.

It's so hard for me to explain what I want because I often want very conflicting things at the same time. It's hard for me to understand myself, forget others trying. I guess the core of what I want is to be happy and to make who I love happy. And to figure out how the hell to do both.

Haines Fair Recap

I've lived in Alaska close to my whole life. Mostly in Juneau. Since being old enough to have a job, I have. I quickly got into tourism because that's where the real money is. This is my first summer in about a decade that I haven't worked a 60hr work week for some tourism company. Hence me being able to enjoy my summer and go camping and whatnot. Because I am not working such a rigid schedule I was able to go to the Haines Fair for the first time.
We started planning this months ago and more and more of our friends were able to go. So it ended up being about 10 or so people going up together and camping. It was pretty much the entire rendez-crew, minus one or two.

The week leading up to the fair was super busy. I filled in two day shifts at the knife shop and filled in an evening shift at the bar. And we had the Buoy Tender Roundup in town. Coasties always make it busy. Then Thursday we had the best band ever play at the bar. They're called the Sugar Shakers, they're rockabilly and just damn amazing. So we all fell in love with them Thursday night at the bar. Turns out they were on standby to take our ferry up to Haines the next morning. And they made it, yeah! So on to the fair:

We left at 8:00am Friday, promptly got beers from the food place on board.
Got into Haines and wrangled a ride from a shuttle. I think we fit about 13 people in a van that should probably hold 8. Plus camping gear. We got to the camp site and were already practically soaked. We went on a search for tarps and I bought the coolest bright yellow rainsuit ever. I looked like a walking banana condom. But I was dry so there! After setting up camp, we walked towards town as directed by a local when we asked where the fair was. I'm pretty sure half if not more of Haines hates the fair and all the outsiders it brings. We walked to town, no fair, so we start walking down another road. Finally see a sign that says Dalton City (the set they filmed White Fang on), and then finally found the fair. After making a hugely unnecessary loop in the pouring rain. But I was still dry.

We got there, walked around, ate tasty food, listened to music, drank local beer, went back to town to the bars. The first bar was the Pioneer, they had accoustic tiling for the ceilings, but people had drawn all over them. It was pretty cool. Then we went to the Fogcutter. I really like that bar. For one, you could smoke there! And tied for second, they had fresh self serve popcorn and a jukebox. We stayed for quite a while. Hell why not? It was warm, dry and we weren't sitting on rocks. We finally made our way back to the campsite and chilled for the evening. In the rain, yes it never stopped raining.

The next day, after sleeping on some awesome rocks, I awoke to sun?! It was a little cloudy but the sun was really shining. I have a theory that the tourist hating locals can control the weather. The first day I got there I bought that awesome rainsuit, the next day I had to buy sunglasses (I have no idea where mine are anyway), they just want to squeeze all of our money out of us.
We watched a very pathetic but fun parade and then headed back to the pioneer bar to meet up with other Juneauites. After the strongest kamikaze ever we headed back to the fair.
Sarah and I both got sweet Haines Brewery sweatshirts. Then I promply bought an awesome wool cardigan. And then she wanted one. We should never shop together. It was a fun day not wearing my yellow embarassment of pants and jacket and listening to really good music. Once we got back to the camp, I realized I had set down my brand fucking new $30 sunglasses. Mother effer. Never found them. I went back the next day but no dice.

On Sunday, we packed everything up and went to the fair for the last time. Our new favorite band, the sugar shakers were playing at 2. We had to leave by 3 at the latest. But we were able to hear them and sort of get a picture with them. We took the shuttle to the ferry and this time there were only four people in it, much more comfortable. The ferry ride back was really calm, we were all exhausted. The sugar shakers were on our ferry so we pestered them occasionally.

We got back to Juneau, no ticket on the car (we parked in 15 minute parking), and headed to eat greasy breakfast food at 7:30pm. On the way back into town we saw our friends car pulled over. They had something wrong with the engine not giving enough power. Another of our friends pulled over and we got them going and followed until they couldn't go any further. Then we pushed the car into a sorta safe place to leave it overnight. Then we finally got to eat greasy breakfast food.

Then we finally went home and I got to shower. Oh my it's never felt so good! My body was so sore. I'm pretty certain it's never been that sore before. But it was so much fun, totally worth it.
Some of the random highlights or phrases from the trip (take them with a grain of salt, they're only meant to be funny):
"Splittin' stamps y'all"
"Eat the powdered one!" (spoke in mickey mouse voice)
Zac beating up an old gray haired guy at a concert because he wouldn't stop grinding on him and he tripped Zac.
"You're lucky you're not pregnant or I'd punch your face in"
Every day we had a PeeWee Herman word of the day, we screamed everytime it was said. I think it was dvda, chapped, snatch, come, there might have been another one in there.
I know nothing I type can show just how ridiculously fun the weekend was, but it was! The effing end.

Lazy Camping

So I decided that I would give up my Friday night shifts so that we can go camping. And we actually did! Sarah, Zac and Lee and I went out to the Mendenhall campgrounds. It's such a wussy way to camp. Our site was right across from bathrooms. Seriously, wussy. But on the other side of our campsite, through some trees was Mendenhall lake with an amazing view of the glacier. It was so beautiful. We walked along the shore after we set up the tents and before we got down to the business of hot dogs and alcohol. It was so serene. The campground is away from where the tourists get bussed to, so there was no one around. And it was overcast which actually makes the glacier much more impressive looking. Sarah took a ton of pics but we realized she lent her card reader to someone, so I can't upload any of them yet.
Once we had thoroughly appreciated nature, we sat around the fire and cooked hotdogs and drank Rainier. It's pretty much the law that if you go camping (or to a bonfire) in Alaska, you better be drinking Rainier. I don't really like beer, but I made it through at least four before I switched to vodka.
Sarah brought her hammock that a friend sent her. We found what looked like the smallest trees around and set it up. And they never broke. It was so fun. I want to find a way to hang it in our apartment. But Zac was the one who really loved the hammock, he looked like a baby in a wind up swing. All smiles and gassy:)
As the night progressed, I started drinking Absolut vanilla and coke. So damn good. It tastes like vanilla coke you get at dennys. But chock full oh alcohol. Lee and Zac started drinking Crown. It sorta started sprinkling, but as we were drinking more, we cared less and less. We finally decided to go to sleep when we were running out of wood. Sarah put the food in the Jeep, lest any bears wander through our site.
It was the first time we got to use Sarah's new tent. And it's thoroughly broken in. But it's not the best tent for Alaska, I'm just gonna say that. When I woke up at 5 because it was damn light out, my shoes and sweatshirt that were inside the tent, were wet. The rain fly, yeeeah, didn't really work that well. But my stuff wasn't too wet, just sort of damp. Once I woke up I was sore and grumpy and couldn't get back to bed. So I tried to sleep in the Jeep and ended up reading playboy.
When Lee woke up, she realized she had left her purse on the ground by the fire. She never leaves her purse anywhere. Never. But hey it's raining, let's leave it outside. Oh and she left her shoes outside her tent, so they were soaked. She ended up putting plastic bags over her feet so she could wear them. It was fucking hilarious. I had a hangover headache and it hurt so bad to laugh, but I couldn't stop.
We made one last fire, burned all our trash and roasted donuts (delish!) and then packed it all in and headed home. The bed has never felt so good, we slept all day. Seriously.
Then we went to Costco and Walmart and spent a million dollars on food. No really, we spent sooo much. But we haven't been shopping in weeks, so it was necessary.
Now I'm gonna go enjoy Sarah's special spaghetti. It smells amazing, I'm pretty excited about it.

Weekend Update Sans Tina Fey

This weekend was spectacular. The third turned out to not be so bad. Just another super busy night. It was actually better because at midnight, the bar cleared out for the fireworks. So we had time to stock liquor, change, eat a hot dog, before the rush came back. And came back it did! But at the end of the night, we all clocked out at 3:13. The bar closed at 3:00, it was amazing. But it was cause we had so many people working at close. And our doorman showed up after saying he wasn't going to, so that was good.
We got up around ten the next moring for the parade. Harmonie came down and we got a great spot in front of the imperial. The parade was good, kind of spread out, but fun. There was tons of huge mining machines because of some measure on the upcoming ballot. There was this huge truck that could make itself "wiggle", I loved it.
After the parade, Harmonie went home to ride over to Douglas with Mark, and Sarah and I walked. Now we don't walk much usually. But on the 4th there are soooo many cars heading to Douglas, it makes no sense to drive. So as we're walking we see cars heading over. And I just wish someone we knew would drive by so we could get a ride. But by about half way, we're passing the cars that passed us. It took us an hour to walk it. It probably would have taken at least another half hour to drive and then who knows how long to find somewhere to park.
Once we got there we had Harmonie's parents BBQ. Which is so damn good, they go to Memphis in May every year and win awards. It's damn tasty. Then we walked around and ran into friends. Watched a dog frisbee contest that was really fun. It was cute to see the old dogs try their best.
We got a ride back to town with some friends and played wii at their house. Or should I say, I sat and drank beer and watched them play. Then I had to work. Worse fucking day to work ever. It wasn't busy when I got there, I think everyone was still at the beach or house parties. But the people that were in the bar, none of them should have been served. I got swore at twice, flipped off once, it was stupid. It never really got that busy. But I got to work with Sevanni, who is the funnest dirtiest girl you will ever meet, so that made it worth it.
Saturday I finally had a day off. I had a not fun, but necessary talk with Sarah, then we went for a drive out in the valley. Over $40 dollars and not a full tank in her Jeep Liberty! Jesus Christ! What a bunch of shit! But it's so fun to drive around with her, it's worth it. We came back downtown to listen to Wisconsin Slim play at the Rendezvous. I really wanted to get drunk because I hadn't had a chance to really have fun over the holiday weekend. And we did. Once we started ordering shots:) We danced, which we just haven't had a chance to do in forever. It was so fantastic. As was the amazing drunk sex we had after bar close:)
The next morning, Sunday, I had to work at 8AM. I'm pretty sure I was still drunk. I haven't done that in a really long time. But I had some fun customers and a strong bloody mary, so that helped me get through the day. After work, Sarah had planned on us drinking in the Valley with some friends. The Valley as it's called is just another part of Juneau, about 12 miles from downtown. But we never go out there. Especially to drink, since we can walk 12 feet from our apartment and hit a bar. But since she just got her jeep, we were more motivated. So after I got off at two we drove all the way to Auke Bay and had some beers at Squires. She used to drink there all the time when she worked at Allen Marine. They played darts, I watched and drank. Then we went to the Sandbar, which has not only the best fried food in town but also shuffleboard! I looove shuffleboard and it's the only place in town that has it. I did play that, and I beat Sarah. She wasn't very happy about it. Apparently she's a sore loser. But I'm much worse, so it's good I won. Then we headed to GW Teals. I've only been there once before, but I love the layout and feel of it. No one else had been there before and they were very impressed. I decided once I become a "real" bartender that I want to work out there. After cheap, but good drinks we came back downtown.
Sarah was supposed to go to a going away party for her friend at the Alaskan. But before that we decided to go home and watch a movie. We never made it back out. We watched Puccini for Beginners. I highly recommend it. It has Gretchen Mol in it, and the uncle from Weeds, I can't remember his name. It was really good. Basically this girl gets dumped by her girlfriend and is sad. Meets uncle from weeds and hooks up with him. Then mets gretchen mol, who is his ex, and starts dating her too. It's tons of fun sex until she realizes they are ex's. Rent it!
And that was my weekend, not in a nutshell.
Monday was super slow at the bar. I made 6 damn dollars in tips. And then stayed there until 11PM hanging out with friends and watching 300 on the big screen.
I worked today, which should have been my day off because I am going camping Friday. I had some awesomely fun tourists in and it made it worth it. And it made up for my shitty tip day yesterday.
Tonight I think we are finally going to see Wanted. I heard it's pretty awesome, so I hope we do decide to go. I'll give a full review if I do:) Later gaters.

I need to write more

I should have written the day after the burlesque show. Which was AMAZING! Holy crap, it was so sweet. The main chick, Dolphina was alright, hot and everything. But not spectacular. It was way cooler to see so many local girls of all shapes, sizes and ages dancing in not very much. It was hard not to drool in drinks as I made them. The other bartender and I decided that she has to come back and do it again, this time with us not working. The rendez-crew had the best seats in the house, right up near the stage. Sarah says she saw nipple. Lucky.
Tonight is the big "drink till ya puke in celebration of our freedom" night. I'm still kind of nervous. I know it will be fine. Absolutely fine. It will be busy and messy and hectic. Then it'll be over. And I'll walk with hopefully a decent wad in my pocket. But we will have on 4 bartenders, so the split might not be as big. But fuck it, it's gonna be fun. And tomorrow if I can drag my ass out of bed, Sarah and I just have to walk about ten feet to watch the parade.
When her parents shipped up her Jeep, they left some camp chairs in the back. So we don't even have to sit on the curb. I'm pretty excited. I love getting all the promo shit they hand out, that I will never have a need for. And the ten tons of taffy that I don't even like.
Then we are heading to Sandy Beach for the real party and some of Harmonie's parents delish bbq. Mmm, ginormous turkey legs. And then I have to work again Friday night. But I doubt that will be quite as busy. But it should be good too.
Then Saturday, again if able to drag myself and Sarah out of bed, we are gonna hike Nugget Falls. Yeaaah! I'm so excited. I don't know when I was on a trail last. Way too long. And I've never hiked over to Nugget Falls, I've been close enough to see it from the East Glacier Trail, but never next to it. I hope we actually end up doing it. And maybe, if it wasn't pissing rain, that'd be nice too.

Going up

So I guess things are back to normal. I was more worried than I needed to be. But in fairness to me, I had no idea what to expect, so I think I worried a normal amount. I am afraid though that we are back to normal, and that wasn't right before. We still need to communicate and be on the same page. But at least this has taught me to speak up. I have such a hard time talking about important things, but now I finally realize I have to. Letting things slide by isn't how to live life.

In more fun news, tomorrow night we have a burlesque dancer at the bar. Apparently her theme is that women are goddesses. So me and other bartender are supposed to dress as such. I have no "goddess" type clothes, so I don't know what I'm going to do. But I just got my hair cut and it's really easy to get it curly and sexy, so I'll have hot goddess hair. And my wild eye makeup I love to do. But this dancer should be way fun. She was just on the Conan show last week, so I guess she's a big deal. I don't know exactly what she's gonna do, but she did ask for some local girls to dance with her. Who wouldn't mind making out with her. So I'm pretty excited about that.

Then next Thursday is the 3rd of July. I am kind of scared, I've never bartended in the summer, so I don't know what to expect. Up here the 3rd is the big party night because they set the fireworks off at midnight. I'm not that worried regarding my capabilities. I've worked super busy nights. What I am worried about is that we have a very green crew right now, and the other good evening bartender usually works at another bar that night. So I don't know if he'll be there. And they are currently putting in new shelves, so the alcohol is a mess, which doesn't make for very effective bartending. We have Wisconsin Slim playing, so it's gonna be packed with good people.

I had a dream last night, a long and weird one, as they all usually are. But part of it was that the bar was putting on a drag/strip show. And the event was HUGE, it wasn't at the bar, it was more like an outside concert. Just packed with people. We had a huge bar, a real stage sort of like the place were romeo hangs out in the new romeo and juliet. That outdoor amphetheatre kind of thing we don't have here in town. But it makes me want to do it.

We have a drag show that comes to town once a year, and it fucking rocks. But it's always at this shit ass bar in the valley. We are going to try and snag them for next year. They would have a better time, better people would come to the show. I would request the night off. But before that, we should do an amature drag night. I think that would be so fucking fun. You could be a guy dressing like a girl, you could be a girl dressing like a guy, or my fave you could be a girl dressing like a guy dressing like a girl:) I want to talk to the bosses about it and make it happen. It would be rad. Oh yes, rad.

In completely unrelated news, from our lovely ghetto apartment, I can hear someone playing the banjo all day long. Isn't that neat? And amazingly I don't mind. I think it's kind of funny and random. Back to our apartment. On Monday I had some freak burst of cleaning energy and cleaned the whole apartment. Which doesn't sound like much, but trust me it was. I even got the laundry off the floor in the bathroom and bedroom. And I finally hung most of my pictures. Threw away paper clutter, made the couch look nice with it's makeshift blanket slip cover, basically made it look like a home. And it does. I'm pretty proud.

And in hanging my pictures I've realized I need more. I need one more from a local artist to make her other two make sense. I don't know where to put my collection of russian orthodox church pictures. They don't fit in the living area and I sure as hell don't want them in the bedroom. What I really want is black and white body part pictures for the bedroom. Which is damn harder to find than it should be. It seems most of them were taken mid nineties and you can tell. They're just all cheesy, especially if it's two girls. So if I can't find anything good, I might go with this artist that takes xrays of flowers. They were pretty cool looking and they'd be nice and calming for a bedroom. Not as awesome as a close up of a hip, but whatever. Maybe I'll go search the net for them now.

Random

I don't know what to talk about, but feel like I should be writing. So who knows where this post will end up.

This week is definitely in my top shitty weeks of my life. What makes it so bad is that I'm afraid next week will top this one. And I've barely hung on this long. I'd estimate I've consumed about 500 calories in the last 4 days. And that might be a high estimate. I just can't eat. I'm sick with worry. I'm probably giving myself an awesome ucler, seeing how my diet is camel lights, water and worry and the daily handful of food a friend forces me to eat.

I've never been on this end of things. And I hope to hell I never am again. How can things change to so bad without you realizing it? I've learned not to regret, and I've done a lot of things in my life I should regret. But now that's all I do. Rehashing situations in my head that I could have, no should have, done differently. And one of my mottos that I usually do agree with is that all of my past experiences and choices lead me to where I am and who I am. But now, what could I have done to not get to this point? Anything?

And there is still a very optimistic side of me hoping that this point, albeit bad now, will be good in the long run. That this is necessary to move forward and be happy. Hopefully in the way I want. Like before but better. I guess in the end, one way or another, I will be happy again. But I want what I want. I only want to change the bad, I don't want to get rid of what is the best thing in my life.

Maybe one of my next posts will be happier. I fucking hope so. I can't take this anymore.

Nowadays

I haven't felt pain like this since my dad died. I don't know what to do, all I can do is wait it out. And hope. But hope hurts. But I guess that's life, life hurts too. Five more days, I can make it. We can make it forever.

Another year

Woo! I'm 27! Well technically I wasn't born until 3:50pm today, but since I'm awake from working, it's my berfday! Happy birthday to me! I'll post more tomorrow perhaps. I mean later today.

Why?!

So yesterday was fairly crappy. About as crappy as Mondays are doomed to be. But today is my day off, woo! Well I slept in, but didn't feel good when I got up. Like the sleep had made me mad instead of rested. I think it was the dreams I had. They were very angry, I had to kill someone attacking me. And waking up with a pile of boxes and laundry that I've been ignoring doesn't help my mood either. AND we didn't have any hot water, so no shower for miss stinky feet.
I finally made myself do some laundry. Our building is notorious for people bogarting the washers and dryers. Between three floors we only have three washers and two dryers. I'm on the floor with the broken dryer. Sweet! I made it through a load, only having to pull out someone sheets from the drier, which isn't nearly as bad as clothes and undies. And the sheets were dry, so I didn't feel bad about it. But when I put a second load in the dryer it had to go through several cycles. I went down to put in more quarters and someone had taken my (damp NOT dry) clothes out of the dryer and started drying their own clothes. Effing assholes! Since I was already having a bad day, I took my clothes, opened the door to stop their clothes from drying and went down another floor and used that empty dryer. Okay, maybe I'm the asshole, but just fucking wait your turn! The clothes hadn't been sitting there all day, I was actively doing laundry. I wish people could just be more patient. Or what I really wish is that we had more washers and dryers in the craphole of an apartment building.
Alrighty, off to check on the laundry. Then off to watch a game and be "happy" about it.
Sorry, I really shouldn't blog when I'm so irritated. I'm sure the next post will be better.

Fun o rama

This weekend has been jam packed o' fun! Friday night we had a four band benefit concert at the bar, along with a silent auction and wine tasting. First off, let me tell you how the benefit started. My friend Will Muldoon (I don't usually use last names, but it's the only way I say his name, I can't help it) had decided to split his stimulus between two local charities, a homeless shelter and a domestic violence shelter. That's damn amazing in itself, I just wanted a flat screen. But then he decided to put the $600 to better use and organize a benefit to make more money. He ended up raising close to 3 grand, way better than $600!
I was first on at 8pm. When I got there it was practically full. An hour later, I had three other bartenders behind the bar! That is pretty much reserved for New Years, Fourth of July, big drinking holidays. So that was great to be so busy, and my boss was one of the bartenders, so we only had to split the tips three ways. She's so great, most bosses would take a cut. And I got to get off early and have a couple of shots with a friend before going home. Super duper.
Saturday we had an amateur night that I thought I might have to work. Turns out they didn't need me. Sweet, I was finally able to drink on the weekend. Of course half of my friends weren't out that night, but it was still great. The acts were awesome. Mostly singing, but there was also a fashion show, photography of artsy naked women in nature, a reggaton rapper, two comedians (painful to listen to) and my two favorite two acts. The first favorite act was a guy named Stanley who sang an original song that was awesome and a love song about a guy. So fucking awesome. He sorta sounds like Jay Brannan and looked like a little heavier version of him. By the way, Sarah went to high school with Jay, neato huh? Anyway, this guy Stanley sings this song and I keep thinking, "Why isn't he a part of the Rendez crew? He needs to hang out with us!" Later on he came up next to me at the bar to get a drink and I gushed to him how great I thought he was. I invited him to our Half a Ween Friday the 13th party next week and he said, "Oh my birthday is Thursday." I practically flipped seeing how MY birthday is next Thursday. So we're pretty much BFF's already:) So we hung out for the rest of the show talking about how he really needs to come do cool stuff with us. I'm pretty damn excited to find a neat new person to add to our fold. Anyway, on to my next favorite act.
This totally talented lady, Colette Costa decided to do Thriller. SO FUCKING AWESOME! She came out in a lab coat with a body covered by a sheet. She sang a song about necrophelia to the music of Thriller. Then the body gets up, starts to zombie walk around the dance floor as half a dozen more zombies start coming out of the back. They all attack her and turn her into a zombie, then you guessed it, they danced! The whole Thriller dance. It was beyond words. I was freaking out, as was the rest of the bar. Maybe it's just me but I love the 80's, I looove Halloween and I really really love zombies. So it pretty much rocked my world. Big suprise, she won. The prize? $500 bucks!
After the show, Sarah and I stuck around and continued to drink. I am very happy that we both got nice and drunk for under a hundo. I mean, we could obviously get drunk for under that, but when I'm out and drinking I get very generous with the buying of shots for others. We left at bar close, stood out in the almost daylight for a while talking to various drunk friends, then finally went home. I don't know when we finally got to sleep but I almost slept through my alarm on accident. I totally heard it at 7:30, but immediately turned it off, thinking "Why the fuck did that go off? Good thing I get to keep sleeping!" Then my head popped up realizing that the alarm was set for a reason and I had to be to work in half an hour. Lame-ola! And let me tell you, I never like going to open the bar at 8am. Never. But it's usually tolerable. Today, after a weekend of huge events, the beer and liquor was trashed. I had so much stocking and general tidying up behind the bar do. I'm glad I wasn't really hung over, then nothing would have gotten done.
Sarah came down because I lured her with the promise of Newsies in Hi Def on our new big ol' flat screen. Turns out, we don't get the channel it was on. Whoops, sorry babe. But I did have a fun craft project for her and Lee to do. For Half a Ween we are using empty alcohol bottles and putting candles in them. To make them look extra awesome and creepy, I had them drip candle wax down the sides. They turned out really good. Now we need to go to the beach to get sand to fill the bottles with. And we still need to get all the branches and spray paint them so they can dry before we have to hang them. We decided our decorations are going to be haunted foresty. And I still need to figure out my Jackalope costume. Damn I can't believe it's so soon, I'm way behind.
Anywho, that was my super duper fun weekend. Oh and after work we watched the lakers celtics game. Which I do NOT care about. But it made me very very happy to watch the Lakers lose and I hope that continues. I dislike the Lakers almost as much as the Raiders. So go Celts! Plus I was born on Cape Cod, I should root for them anyway.
I'm done. My hung over fingers are not connecting with my brain signals, this post has been about as many backspaces as letters.

Stats

So when I quit smoking, I put an app on my myspace tallying how much I've saved etc. Here are the totals up until today when I bought a pack. For the app, I averaged I smoked 13 cig's a day:

Cigarettes not smoked: 548

Money saved: $191.80

So I saved almost two hundred dollars and didn't smoke about 55o. But I did smoke bummed cigarettes, so I probably didn't smoke around 530, which is still pretty damn good. Gee, I don't feel like I have an extra two hundred sitting around. I should just put $7 in a jar everyday to simulate spending it, then I would have the money. Maybe I will do that starting now.
Anyway, it's interesting to see how it adds up.

Quitting or lack there of

So six weeks ago, I quit smoking. Cold turkey, no patch, no gum. And I did really well for a while. It also helps that when I quit I had the mother of all chest colds and couldn't breath without horrible rattling noises coming from my chest. Well I got over the cold and still didn't smoke. Apparently the first three days are the hardest, after that the nicotine is out of your system and it's all mental. Uh, maybe it's just me, but the mental part is way harder. Hell if I had self control I'd be a size 4.
During these six weeks I've probably smoke about a pack or pack and a half of bummed or pilfered cigs. Not bad for someone who used to smoke a pack (or more) a day. The worst time is when I'm drinking, I get drunk and I just don't care, I want to smoke. But during the day, I really don't want to. Until the last couple of days that is.
Today I bought a pack, the first one in six weeks. I didn't have anyone to bum any from and for some reason just really wanted to smoke. So I did. And it was damn delicious. But now I have an almost full pack in my purse. Very dangerous. I don't know how to limit myself to just one or two a day. I don't want to fall back into the routine of smoking when I get up, after eating, out drinking, etc. But it's so hard. Pretty much all of my friends smoke, which isn't that bad most of the time. But when everyone leaves the bar to go outside and smoke, I just want to do it too. Especially when I'm bartending and I want an excuse to get away from lame customers. When I wasn't smoking, I immediatly didn't like the smell of smoke. My nose started working waaay better and I could smell smoke on everything.
And it's not like I don't know the danger of smoking. My dad died of cancer. Had nothing to do with smoking, but it's the same horrible death.
I always half joke that if I get knuckle tattoos, they would read DONT QUIT. Because I like smoking and drinking and I have a habit of staying in unhealthy relationships (work, personal) much longer than I should because I don't like to quit things. But it's also fairly optimistic, don't quit living, trying, doing. Maybe I should focus on the positive side and try not to quit quitting.

Busy as a spiteful bee weekend

So we moved up in the world (and our apartment building) this weekend. Saturday we moved all our crap into a one bedroom on the fourth floor. First we had to clean the whole apartment, which was disgusting. The person who moved out had been the maintenence man for the building, but decided to flake and move up to Homer. He left dirty clothes, gross food in the fridge and his creepy vibe everywhere. There was also a couch, table and two funky chairs, and an entertainment center left behind.
We had thought they would be taken out before we moved in, but we would keep the entertainment center. Before we moved in, someone came in and claimed all the furniture with sticky notes but didn't take any of it. So come Saturday, we wanted them to move the stuff out if they were gonna claim it. The dude (who is our new next door neighbor) was an ass about it, saying he would try and get it out later that day. Like we were inconviencing him by asking him to get "his" shit out. Sarah had cleaned all the furniture before we talked to him because we thought we might just keep it. So after we talked to him, we decided we should "re-dirty" it. We took dust out of the vacuum and put it all over the furniture. We found an open can of vienna sausages in the fridge and dumped them under the couch cushions. This may sound extreme, but this guy is a massive douche. He deserved it. But wait! It gets better.
Hours go by, we move all our stuff in, and he still hasn't come by to get the stuff. So we go knock on his door to ask him about it. His crack head girlfriend answers the door and starts asking Sarah about a necklace she was wearing. Weirdo. They live in a studio that is ALREADY jam packed with shit. I saw piles of stuff, possibly grow lights (greeeat, effing drug dealers) and moose antlers. Where on fucking earth was he planning on putting a full sized couch and the rest?? So he comes to the door and is totally different than he had been before, all down in the dumps saying that he guesses we can just keep the stuff. What the hell? What some weird ass neighbors we have. I hope they leave or get busted for something soon.
Back to our vienna sausage stuffed couch and dust covered entertainment center and table. Whoops! I guess that's what we get for being spiteful, we had to clean everything twice. But it was kinda worth it, just to laugh at ourselves. I had to remove the now thawed sausages from the couch. Holy ew! They looked like severed fingers.
So it was quite an eventful day, with only marginal squabbling throughout. The apartment is almost put together enough to not mind other people seeing it. Well, except either the toilet or the shower is massively leaking onto the bathroom floor. We should probably tell the landlord about that, maybe he can get the maintenence guy to fix...oh wait...nevermind. He doesn't have one! What a ghetto. But hey, it's our ghetto!

TtV - Through the Viewfinder Photography

So I just recently learned about TtV photography. Basically you take an old camera, the kind you look down into the viewfinder, focus your digital camera on the image in the viewfinder and take a picture. It is tricky to focus on the image and not the glass of the viewfinder. But it makes the photos look old and slightly warped or out of focus at the edges. My camera doesn't focus on the image easily, it gets stuck on the scratches on the glass, but Sarah's much more expensive camera does a better job. So I just wanted to post a few of my first good attempts. I won't bore anyone with the tons of massively blurry shots.

We got her!

Sarah was able to get off of work early yesterday and we went out to the pound so she could meet the cat. Well I don't know what the pound people were talking about her being "picky" or "aggressive" with people because everyone who went in that room loved the cat and she loved them. Since there was no problem with her liking Sarah, we filled out all the paperwork and took her home. She spent some time under the bed sniffing everything thing, but she got comfortable pretty quickly. She is super playful and loves to "hunt" things. She almost always has a paw out, like she's batting at something that isn't there. Maybe we have ghosts. She is adorable. One of her ears is shorter than the other like it got cut off, maybe from a fight, maybe frostbite. I'd like to think she was a little street hustler ruffian cat before the fuzz picked her up and impounded her. But she's also ready for any black tie affair with her little furry tux. Quite the versatile cat. She really likes to hang out under the bed, but once she's out she won't leave your side. So Sasha is officially now Jack Sprat the Cat, or just Jack. And officially ours!

Hodge Podgery

Let's see. The event on Saturday turned out to be lame-ola. One of my bosses was there, so it wasn't as stressful as I thought it would be. But it wasn't anywhere near as busy as we expected it to be either. So I spent a whole day inside instead of enjoying the sun with my babe.

I couldn't go camping with everyone for memorial day, but I did go out to the bonfire for a few hours. It was so nice to get out of downtown and be near the water. Sarah took some great pictures that I need to upload to flicker when I get time.

We just found out that we have our choice of two one bedrooms that just came open in our building. Sweet! They aren't that great, but they are bigger than our 3" apartment as I like to call it. So once we decide on which one, we will be moving in. Hopefully we still get free wifi.

Today I went to the beach with Harmonie and her doggy, it was beautiful! So sunny and nice. We walked around for more than an hour, some on the beach, some in the woods going past all the mining ruins. I should have brought my camera. I love, love, love the old falling down buildings with the trees and moss reclaiming them. So amazing. But I didn't, so you'll just have to imagine. Walking around, especially in the sand, gave me some great blisters from my new flip flops. Stupid expensive flip flops. And now I have to go work in an hour or so. Lame-o.

After the walk, we drove out to the pound to look at the cats and dogs. Sarah and I really, really want to get a dog. But our pound usually only has lab mutts or very large barky dogs. So I looked at the cats and one came up to the window and wanted to play. So they took her out so I could meet her and pretty much fell in love with her. She's so cute, one of her ears is smaller than the other and she's mostly black with some white and green eyes. She looks like she should be a boy cat so I want to rename her Jack the Cat. I filled out an adoption thingy and it should go through in a day or two. There is no reason for them not to let me get her, but I'm still worried a little. I will definitely be posting pictures of her when I get her.

In movie news, we went and saw Indiana Jones this weekend like everyone else in America. It was good, kinda cheesy, but that's how they all are. And Shia LeBeouf rocks! I really want him to make more Indiana movies. Aaaand we finally saw Juno. Yes it's official, the last two people on earth have seen it. I loved it! Right from the get go, the lines are so damn funny! Ellen Page is hilarious with her deadpan delivery. 

Arrg, it's getting to be time to go to work. I really loathe my job sometimes. Especially when it's almost 70 outside and no one cool will be in the bar. Just asshole drunks who don't care if it's sunny outside. They just need another MGD and 10 on Bananas.

Money, money, money, mo-NEE

So apparently throwing an amazing two day party for your boss is a good way to get a raise. Woo hoo! I went up a dollar! I'm still making what other bars consider entry level, but fuck it, I like who I work for and mostly like working there. Okay lately I hate it. But that might be hormones on top of asshole customers. I forgot I was filling in a shift tonight, and I am doing off site events my other two days off this week, so I don't get a day off till Tuesday. Which is fine, mo' money for me. But it's not so good that the only time I see Sarah is when she wakes me up to say good bye, maybe an hour at lunch, and then when she's asleep when I come home. Lame. But it's not forever, we'll figure out our shifts. Usually I only work two nights a week and mostly days, this week is just full up.
Speaking of the off site events, I am really nervous about the one on Saturday. The one on Tuesday I got all the liquor and supplies ready with the help of my boss, learned how to do everything. Because on Saturday I'm running the show. No bosses. Scaary. I got this job so I wouldn't have as much responsibility. I guess it followed me. But I like it and I know I'll be fine and feel all accomplished afterwards. It's just the before that's scary.
I have to go get gussied up, I have a lunch date with my baby!

But you're so pretty

So I promised to talk about the customer who said he was dying, something to do with his liver. I don't know if I believe him. I think maybe he's just crazy. He came to town about a month ago, I served him, he had a good time, now he thinks we're friends. Yes, I'm your friend because you pay me to make drinks and listen to you. Right. I thought he was incredibly annoying from the get go, but again I get paid to listen and be fairly friendly. He comes in once in a while, jawing away in his W. Virginian accent about how nice this bar is and how great Juneau is and how hard it is to find a place to live. Yup, I actually already knew all that.
Well he came in a few days ago and he was the only customer, so he had me trapped. I don't know what we were talking about, but he said something about seeing me kiss a girl. And I said, "yeah you most likely did." He says, "oh it's cool." Over and over. And I say, "yeah I know." I'm very dry with him. Later on Sarah came to the bar, and he says "oh that's your...significant...other?" Me: Yup.
So this is were it gets funny and annoying. The next day similiar situation, he's talking my ear off and this is as close as I can get to exactly what he said: "So you're a pretty girl....and you have your...significant (trails off) and, well, I just don't understand?" "I mean, can I ask why? But you're so pretty." He was inferring that I was pretty enough to get a guy so why was I with a girl? Oh. my. god. I never knew I could be with guys! I thought I wasn't pretty enough, thank you creepy stranger man for setting me straight! And he kept asking me why and I told him to stop. He is just insane and wouldn't listen to me anyway. And he kept saying I could have a girlfriend AND a boyfriend. Super creep. I told him it didn't work that way.
So no offense to West Virginia, but damn. It's people like him that give it a bad name. What a moron. But it makes me chuckle. "...but you're so pretty?" All confused looking.

What's it all mean?

I had a dream with my dad in it last night. I don't have those very often anymore. I think I dreamed about him because of a patron I met at the bar, he said he is dying and it's his liver. That's how my dad's cancer started. More about the patron in another post.

What I rememeber from the dream was that most of my family was in a room and my dad was in a chair wrapped in blankets. Here's where it gets dreamy and weird. My dad was very small, like the size of toddler, but all skinny from the chemo. He had really dark skin, my dad was Italian, so he did have dark skin, but this was like he was Indian or Middle Eastern. Then a man who looked like my dad before he got sick is standing in the room at the same time, telling me and everyone that my sick dad is dying. He is falling asleep and won't wake up. So my healthy dad shakes him awake. I go up to my sick dad and hug him and tell him several times that I love him and kiss him. My hand cradled his head, it was so tiny. But in the dream, I could feel his skin, it felt the same, the oily mediterranean skin he had in real life. He was whispering for me to "just leave" he didn't want me to see him like this. I knew he was going to die soon, so I got up and told my younger sister and my older niece that they needed to say goodbye, that he would be gone soon. I woke up soon after that.

I woke up very sad and alone feeling, even with Sarah next to me. The dream I had is pretty much not how my dad died. Because of a horrible government system and distance, my dad died pretty much alone. He and my mom were on McChord or the other base right near there, the x and I were waiting at my sis Jen's house with her family in Anchorage for them to get medivac'd up there. Apparently the plane for such transfers only goes out once a week. They (the fucking asshole "money saving" government) cancelled the flight two times in a row because there weren't enough people to justify the flight. So after these two weeks of waiting, my dad is getting so much worse, they were almost afraid he couldn't fly but they make a flight available for the next Wednesday. That was after they cancelled the second flight on Friday. He died the next day, Saturday, in Washington, alone. My mom had left the room for a moment, and when she came back he was gone. I know that fact weighs so heavy on her, that she was the only one there and she wasn't next to him.

We had him cremated, but never had a funeral or put up a tombstone anywhere. I know I have lots of unresolved issues surrounding his death because of such.
So the dreams I have of him are always bittersweet. To feel like I'm near him again and talking to him, or in this one, able to say goodbye to him. Have him die with his loved ones all around him, like it should have been.

I really didn't mean to write such a sad post, I just wanted to get the dream down. I promise the next post will be funny. Or at least not so Debbie Downer.

Will it last? Only if you vote.

I am excited about California making it's way towards gay marriage. Don't get me wrong, I'm super excited. But I'm pessimistic. Will it last? Will there be hundreds of happy, loving couples with void marriages in a few months because it gets revoked? Because some stranger decided to override a choice two adults in love made? Basically you have until it goes to a vote in November to get married legally, then it could be rescinded. I am all for voting, but supporters of gay marriage are still in the minority. There are a lot of close mined people who think they know what's best for strangers and will vote that way. So open minded Californians, VOTE!
But even with my pessimism there's hope. This could be the time it takes root, and other states will finally realize that same sex marriages won't disrupt the "sanctity"(yeah right) of hetero marriages. And then maybe the whole country will figure it out. Maybe. Makes me want to take out Sarah's copy of "Brides of March" and re-read it.

Speaking of stupid people with stupid, close minded opinions, we had dinner at my boss' house. No, she's not the stupid one, she rocks. I love working for her. She had Sarah and me over for dinner because we did so much for her birthday party. While she was making dinner we were talking about the news in CA, and gay rights in general. She's awesome and doesn't see what it matters who gets married to who. Exactly! But after dinner we were watching TV (we don't have cable, so any chance we get we gobble it up) and there was a doc on VH1 about the sex revolution. Very interesting. One part was about when AIDS first surfaced and how it took the government such a long time to even acknowledge it. There was a clip from a Phil Donahue show and he was talking to a woman in the crowd. This woman said basically that since gays were sinning, God was punishing them by giving them AIDS. Holy fucking shit, I wanted to break something. Just the look on her face, how she completely believed what she was saying! Phil had a look on his face like he wanted to hit her. I wish he had. But that doesn't solve anything. I wish it did sometimes.

My friends and I joke about my "warning signs" about becoming a lesbian. One of which would definitely be my gay advocacy. In high school, I was dating the X the whole time. Totally hetero. I might have had a HUGE crush on a girl, but never acted on it. I was always arguing (I mean debating) with the christian coalition assholes. Usually in English class because that was where the most controversial discussions took place. I always fought for gay rights. It was the one issue that, at the time had nothing to do with me, I cared the most about. I couldn't understand people who didn't accept gay lifestyles. I still don't understand.

Back to California, one of the articles I read had a quote that marriages should be left to people who procreate. Really?? Cause if that's the case, I think there are at least a few hetero couples who need to have their marriage license revoked. And quite a few gay couples with kids or TTC who deserve a real legal marriage. I just don't see how the close mined can believe what they say. It's just preposterous. Poppycock in fact.

Baby I can plan your party

So this weekend was a huge success as far as parties go. I am exhausted, but very proud. After my crap shift and no sleep on Friday, I had to get up and get all the party supplies. But the person I was going to do all this with bailed on me. Thanks. Then a friend who just moved in upstairs needed help installing blinds. Me being the procrastinating co-dependant obviously agreed to help. While helping, I got a call from the friend who was too tired to go shopping. She had to take her brothers cat to the vet because it was possibly dying. And she needed me to go with her. I love procrastinating and there is no way I would have let her go by herself, so I go.

We spend forever at the vet, turns out the cat might have had a stroke (she's 17!), but should be fine. My friend drops the cat off at home and we get tons of green supplies for the party. We went to this balloon novelty / adult shop and got 30 balloons. It took the lady forever to blow them up, so we looked through a catalog of stripper shoes. Awesome! It was so funny to see the weird ass shoes. And tons of them came in sizes up to 17, so they were also for cross dressers or drag queens. Which is way cooler than strippers any day.

So we get the supplies, head downtown and try to decorate before my boss, the birthday girl gets there. She knew something was going on, but didn't know the extent of it. If blogger wasn't sucking balls, I could show you how awesome the decorations were and how happy she was. I got her favorite candies, Hot Tamales and Cherry Cordial Kisses and played her favorite movies, Labyrinth and Lost Boys. She was very impressed. Maybe I'll get a raise. I thought I had to be second on that night because we have no bartenders, seriously. But someone volunteered, so I only had to work for an hour or so behind the bar. Which was good because I had to bartend at 8 the next morning. And that's when the fun really began.

The 30 balloons I got were for Sunday. The plan was for everyone to day drink at our bar until I got off shift at 2, then pub crawl around town, head back to our bar for a live band. I told the bday girl I would give her a dollar for every balloon not popped by the end of the night. So it was open season on balloons and 30 is a lot to protect. I think she only popped one herself on accident. But by the end of the night, I didn't owe her any money. It was so fun watching her guard them, especially as she got drunker throughout the day. When we made it back to our bar, everyone was fairly buzzed but doing good. So we played Twister. Lots of ass shots, and not as much falling down as you would expect. Hilarious fun.

Then the band started up and by then I was getting too drunk. I apparently missed the band juggling. Lame. We brought out the cake and Sarah shoved some in the bday girl's face and then it was on. Cake everywhere. I still have cake on my shoes. Again great pics, I'll try and upload them later. Back to the band, dancing, having a great drunk time. I fell, could have been the drinking, could have been our uneven floor. But I rolled both of my ankles and damn it hurt! I'm a crier anyway and it didn't help that I was drunk and Sarah had run across the street so I was alone. And that was the end of the night for me. I felt like a fool for being the drunk girl who fell and for getting a little teary, so I called Sarah and told her it was time to go home. I went to another bar where a bunch of our friends where to wait for her, and of course I get shots from them. But luckily Sarah showed up before I had too many. It was a fun day, shitty end, and even shittier shift the next moring at 8 AM with my hungover ass.

Shift from Hell

I've had some lame shifts, working in a bar it's pretty much guaranteed. But last night took the cake. I wanted to walk out within the first hour. That's bad. I can't really write and explain why it was so bad unless you are familiar with my town and the problem it has with drunks and my bar. Basically we're a small town, not much to do, high amount of Natives (NOT that I am saying all Natives are alcoholics, just a lot that come into my bar or hang out down town are), and about 7 bars and two liquor stores within a block. So I think we have a slightly concentrated amount of "professional drunks". Oh and we have the local soup kitchen just a block or so away, so we get all kinds of bums, drunks, druggies, it pretty much rocks.
Then there is my bar. I love who I work for, they rock so hard. Love them! But the bar used to be a really, really bad bar. Like the last owner was a huge coke head and never had liquor on the shelves. People used to buy their own bottles and bring them in. People are still afraid of the bar. But it's getting better, we have a great crowd that does come in, we put on great events and have an amazing (and mostly friendly) staff. But because of the history of the bar we still get a lot of unsavory characters that think it's the old bar. Cut to last night:
I come in at 8, the other bartender leaves. The bar was fairly full, the crowd was mostly too drunk already. I had this kid who I've never seen giving me attitude about me serving him and his friends first and how I should know him and whatnot. But he did drunkenly tip me $30 or more twice so that "I'd take care of him". Whatever. Then I've got the whiniest lady playing pulltabs, and wants more every time I turn around. She wins big ($250) twice and tips me shit. Thank. Before 9, all of the dirty dish area was full and overflowing. It was stupid busy. But as the night progressed, most of the day drunks left and my friends came in. It got better, stayed just where I could handle it without my second on, which means more money for me. Wee! Towards the end of the night I had to kick two people out. An elderly woman, probably 60's, and a man probably in his late 40's. They were both too drunk and I needed to get them out of the bar. The man got outraged and refused to sign his credit card slip. I was nice, I tried to explain several times to him what was up. He still refused so I 86'd him and told him to never come back. Now the lady had earlier drunkenly told me she lost her purse and jacket. And she'd call the cops if she didn't find it. After telling her it wasn't in our bar a million times, I get her to go outside. Five minutes later, she's back. My backup bartender handles her this time and she informs him that she's a greeter at walmart and he's not allowed in there! Holy crap, that's the best thing I've ever heard. I wish I got 86'd from walmart by a drunk grandma! The rest of the night was pretty normal, get everyone paid up and out, move chairs, do dishes, etc.
Here's were Shift from Hell turns into Night of You Have to be Fucking Kidding Me. So after my shift from hell, I just want to go home and sleep. Slight problem, we just moved into a new apartment and only have ONE set of keys. Usually I have them since I work late. But Sarah wanted to go out drinking and she had the keys. She texted me a little before bar close and said to call when I was done and she'd let me in. Cut to 4:30 AM, by the way is as light as 3PM on an overcast day up here in AK. I get done, call her, no answer. Shit. Call, no answer, repeat about a million times. So I go to the outer apartment doors, hoping they'd be unlocked, nope. I walk up around the whole building to get to our window (we sort of look over a parking lot but there's an old stairwell that prevents you from actually getting to our windows) and throw rocks at the window while calling her. I can hear her phone ringing inside. Still no answer. I contemplate scaling the wall to get to my window, but decide against it. So I go back to the bar and watch tv for a while. I love lucy and dog shows at 5Am, awesome. All the while calling and calling and calling. Oh and my phone is going to die soon too. Finally around 6Am I go back to the apartment doors figuring someone has to leave the building. I get let it and head to my apartment. I knock, loudly. I can hear her snoring! And she still won't wake up. I call her, pound on the door, call her. Nothing. Now I'm just done. I sit down in the hallway and start crying. I totally lost it. Then I get the bright idea to use a card to jimmy the door open. And it works in a second. But I'm still upset when I'm inside, still crying. And she still. doesn't. wake. up. What if it had been a fire? That's all I have to ask!
Now I have to go get supplies and set up for a birthday party for a boss at the bar. Let see how tonight goes!

Numero Uno

So I finally broke down and started a blog. I've dabbled in blogging on myspace, but never very consistently. We'll see how I do here.

So what's this blog about? Right now, just the weird thoughts that fill my head. In the future this will most likely be classified as a "two girls trying to make a baby" blog. But I'm not there yet. Well I am. But not really. Here's a little background on Miss M:

I was in a hetro relationship for about a decade, including several years of marriage. Well technically I still need to get divorced. But we're friends now and I'm lazy. After I left my husband, I went a little crazy. Not crazy crazy, but I started acting like a damn high schooler, drinking and hooking up with people. That went off and on for about a year. Then about six months ago I started seeing the best person on earth, Sarah. We had been mutual aquaintances for a year or so before that. It was very interesting in the beginning. I think we both didn't want to get our hopes up, she because up until then I had only dated men, me because she was known as quite the player. Most of my friends thought it was a faze, just going after whoever would give me attention after splitting up with my husband. But they were supportive. Actually everyone I know was. It was amazing. I live in such an awesome town and am apparently surrounded by some pretty amazing, open minded people.
Anyway, fast forward to now, six months later. Still together, still madly in love.

That's my relationship history in a tiny nutshell.