In the last two weeks two very close friends have told me they're expecting. And not a letter. I'm incredibly happy for both of them. One, my best friend, has had a not so smooth relationship with her boyfriend and they weren't actively trying ttc. But they did and they're very happy about it. My other friend just told me yesterday that his girlfriend is pregnant. I don't know how intentional it was, but I know that he's wanted children forever. I am super excited about it.
But at the same time, it's so strange. My circle of friends is always changing, that's just life. But now it is really changing. Did I mention I have a friend who is due in about two months? I'm afraid it will create a seperation between me and my friends. That there will now always be a hidden distance between us.
I'm most afraid about this regarding my best friend. When I left my ex and moved back home, she and I started hanging out. We were both in fun but very unhealthy parts of our lives. It was great, partying and acting irresponsible. And over the years we've both calmed down, grown up, whatnot. We are both in relationships, so that already changes the dynamic of our friendship. It's not what are we (me and her) doing? It's what do we all want to do (me, her and our others)? Or we spend time with our others. Which makes total sense and I'm fine with it.
But now that she's going to be a mom, I don't know if we will have our same friendship (or even something close to it) and that's hard. I love kids, wanted kids for years, still kind of want them. But it will be different, her having the responsibility of another life. And me not. The hollow slight jealously of her having what I want and can't have.
I wanted kids for such a long time, tried pretty damn hard to get them, but never did. When I left the ex, I didn't want them anymore. I was fairly disillusioned about everything. But over the last 8 or so months I have been going back and forth on the issue. I've feel like I've found someone that I would want to have children with. And at times it seems like she wants the same thing. Which makes it even harder. The refound hope hurts worse than not having any. One day it's great and the next day I feel like we won't make it through the night. The real problem is that I keep all of this inside my head. I'm not a very talkative person when I should be. I have the hardest time opening my mouth and speaking when I should. So I go through these ups and downs kind of alone. With her left wondering what the hell is going on.
If it seems that I am in one of the "want baby" phases, it's not really true. Because I have hope and faith in our relationship, I always want children in the back of my head. But having all of these pregnancies around me isn't making it any worse.
What does sort of make me sad is that we don't have the option of "not really trying ttc", it just happening and us dealing with it. I know we're not ready at this stage for that even if it could happen. But that it can NEVER happen is just so frustrating. When, if, we get to that stage of trying, we will go through what so many others already have, the charts and pills and syringes and waiting. The hope and crush. I don't know if I can do that. Ever. I just don't know. I've read what a strain it is to try, I don't know if I could survive it. If we could survive it. Surely not now, but maybe not even in the future. I feel like it would rip us apart, and that's obviously not what's intended. And well that doesn't really give me a lot of hope. And there it is again the pain of hope mixed with the lack of.
It's so hard for me to explain what I want because I often want very conflicting things at the same time. It's hard for me to understand myself, forget others trying. I guess the core of what I want is to be happy and to make who I love happy. And to figure out how the hell to do both.
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