Dreams and Schemes

I had a lame dream last night. It was basically a manifestation of my fears, played out in front of me like real life. I had another one a couple of weeks ago. Usually my dreams are as unintelligible as a psychopath's secret diary, tiny fragments of my day with lots of crazy added in. But I hate it when I have dreams that just seem real. And I'm helpless to fix things in them. I would have to assume it's my subconscious fears being brought up to the forefront. I know I'm afraid of what happened in the dream. I know I'm afraid I can't fix anything. But in the dream and definitely in real life, I want to. All I want to is fix things. But then my brain has always been good at offering up "I can't" at most signs of difficulty. It would surprise me to have a clear as day positive dream. It'd be nice, but unlikely.

The worst part of the dream, or one of them, was when I was trying to fix things, it just made it worse or it was too late. I had made them push away by trying to fix it. Talk about a fucking pickle. But obviously that's a dream, it doesn't really work that way. I need to try and fix things, it would be worse not to, right?

The other terrible part was the look of hate or even lack of emotions towards me. Like I had become so much of a stranger that even hate was too personal of an emotion to be used on me. That's what's sticking with me.

And when I say the dream was my fears, it's not like it's always on my mind. It's a fear that is occasionally brought to light, but I don't obsess over it. I would like that to be known. I'm afraid even explaining the dream will make things worse. But I already did. If I can't talk to them, who can I talk to?

Arg. What I really wanted to post about was a book I read last night. Creepers by David Morrell. I was loaned this book oh probably two years ago and never picked it up. He's the author of First Blood, the book Rambo is based on. I'm not a huge fan of Rambo, so maybe that's why I never started reading it. But this book is completely different. It's about a group of urban explorers getting ready to break into an incredibly well preserved hotel. The hotel was build at the turn of the century, and as the years progressed, the owner never updated the styles of anything. And there is a reporter along for the expedition. That's all I will tell you other than I was hooked in the first couple of pages. And nothing amazing happened on them, he's just a great writing at getting you engaged in the story.

I started reading it because we had to go the laundromat, yuck. I ended up staying up till 12:30 and finishing the book. I so very highly recommend it.

Now to walk the whiney puppy who was JUST outside.