Holly Jolly Holidays

Thanksgiving was fun. It was the first year it was just two people, not a ton, not going to a semi strangers house and dealing with random people. It was very nice for it to just be Sarah and me and the pets. Since it was just us we made tiny little cornish game hens. They were adorable and once I got Sarah to pick meat off it for me, they were delish.

We did pretty good, we got everything cooked with out any near fires or severed fingers. All with two massive hangovers. Pretty damn impressive. And we got done and out of the house in time to watch most of the A&M game. Or massacre, whichever. And just when I was getting nice and cozy on the couch at the Rendezvous, it was time for me to work. Blah. It was super slow. Super super slow. But at least there was a creepy old guy giving me weird dirty compliments. That's always fun. But after a while Carrie came down and he started talking to her. Trying to buy her drinks, etc. I guess old guys have no gaydar or he's just really determined.

Verity came down and brought me leftovers. Yum! But before she came, whilst it was massively slow, I did arts and crafts. A lemon had been left out, so I decided to turn it into a hedgehog. And I think it turned out pretty damn good. And if my computer wasn't so slow I'd upload to flickr so all the world could know my talents. And since it was still slow, I then moved on to coloring and made a hand turkey. Not a jive turkey or a hand jive, just a hand turkey.
Thankfully the night picked up around midnight and I was busy and made a few bucks.

Tonight Sarah and I are going to the Public Market. I'm so excited. I love the hustle and bustle and the smells and just the familiarity of it all. It will suck balls that I have zero dollars to spend there. But maaaaybe if I just can't live without it...

Been a while

Well I guess I haven't been on here in forever and two months. Whoops. I wanted this to be much more regular. But our free wifi we were picking up disappeared, so I have to go out and search the town for it.
So much and so little has happened. The dog and cat haven't killed each other yet, but they still don't like each other. Sarah got a new job at the beginning of the month. She works for the state, in the unemployment tax department. She likes it a lot more than the bank which is really good. We just got a new place and get to move in soon. It's so much better than our current place. It's two bedrooms, in a five unit building. It's up the hill in a much more residential area. And it's old without being crappy. It's so nice! I can't wait to move it and make it ours. It will be so nice to have space for everything. I want to get a sewing machine once I can afford it.
Maybe having a nicer place will make me feel more grounded and not want to leave. I really hate this place sometimes. It's just so dreary and full of dead ends, literally and figuratively. I feel like I want to sell everything I own and just leave. But I have nowhere to go, so I stay. And deep down I really like it here.
I'm supposed to be using the internet to find a better job. I guess my feelings about my job are the same about Juneau. Love it, hate it, full of dead ends. Definitely dreary. I put in my two weeks maybe two months ago. My boss begged me not to go, talked about me taking on more managerial responsibilities. So I stayed. I got rid of my shifts that I hated and didn't make any money at. I've learned a couple of new things. But not much has changed except now I make less money. What's wrong with this picture? But I really like working for who I do, they are the best bosses ever. It makes it hard to look for another job. And my nights I work, Wednesday and Thursday, make it hard to get a second job and still have time to see Sarah.
Speaking of my baby, next week is our first anniversary. I got her a really good present, I don't think she'll have a clue. Hopefully. Last year seems so far away from now. We seem like completely different people. And not really in a good way.
I have to cut this short. I thought my computer was plugged in, but apparently this outlet doesn't work. Looks like I have to go to the damn Rendezvous. Nothing is working right today.

Bucket list

I haven't seen the movie, and frankly I don't want to. Yes, let's watch old men do things and then die. Ahh, that does sound like two quality hours. Anyhoo, I do like the idea (but not the name) of a bucket list. Things to do before you kick the bucket, for those of you reading from under a rock.

I don't have a lot of things I have to do. I just don't care as much as others. But I do have at least two:

1. Get a traditional style super fucking painful tattoo. You know, the tap tap kind, not the buzz buzz modern kind. Preferably in New Zealand, one of the few faraway destinations that I really, really want to go to.
2. Go to Machu Picchu. I was just reminded of just how badly I want this when I was perusing Mrs. B's awesome pictures.

But I don't want to be pushing 60 and then decide to start crossing shit off my list. Sure, I could do these things when I'm old, buuut I don't wanna. But then I start thinking about how the hell could I afford to do either of these things anytime soon? I am going to be 60 before I can. Lame. So I must make myself do them, find ways to afford it. I spend too much money on frivolous things, I could be saving for a kick ass vaca far far away. 

What I really need to do is just work at my credit card debt. Once that's gone, if I filled it up again with a trip at least that would be more worth it than drinking and eating out.

Which brings me to quitting. I need to quit smoking. I could be saving so much money. Let's see, we'll say a pack a day, cause it pretty much is. That is $49 dollars a week at $7 a pack, $210 a month, $2,520 a YEAR. That is how much I spend, to kill myself yearly. Dear god, I don't want to get into how much I spend on drinks. Hell, even if I didn't save the money, I could afford to have cable and internet (not the spotty stolen kind), or it could go towards my debt. Or I could go to the gym, the good one in town, not the ghetto gym I used to. That's it. I have to quit again. I just need Sarah on my side this time. It's too hard to do when my lovely is still smoking after every meal. 

Anyway that turned into a lovely little ramble. Off to take pictures of Zyda while she's all sleepy and adorable.

We got a deeohgee!

Last week from the pound. We went in to look at the kittens, so Jack could have a friend. But all the kittens were already adoption pending. So we went to look at the dogs. And there she was, the cutest dog on earth. She's mostly white with large black spots, one over each eye. And when she yawns or pants her whole head opens up like a pez dispenser. Who wouldn't love her? So we met with her in a room and decided to fill out a form. We got approved and brought her home two days later. Her name at the pound was Freja, pronounced with a yah at the end. Sarah couldn't remember it, so we changed it. But we wanted to keep that yah sound so it would be any easier transition. We almost like the massively over used Bella. It's so pretty, but literally every other pit out there is named that. Then Frieda, that one almost made it. But we went with Zyda, as in zydeco music. Her full name is Zyda Mae Lion-Berry, isn't that cute? Kinda makes ya want to puke.

So far, Jack is not so happy with us for bringing a large slobbery dog into her domain. And tells us that every time she comes into the room, by hissing and scratching at Zyda. But she's just gonna have to get used to it. They're gonna be sisters and they're gonna like it.

When is too much too much?

So lately I haven't liked my job much. Or at all. I either work morning shifts which are lame because I have to get up early, deal with one or two non tipping assholes, and clean. Or go crazy from lack of mental stimulation. Then there are my night shifts, which I usually like more than not. But lately I just can't handle the same drunks trying to stagger their way in and then calling me racist when I kick them out. Yes I'm racist. Against a special race called perma-drunk. And now that my best friend is prego and another is leaving in a day, we don't have the awesome rendezcrew like we used to.
Every night it gets worse, more and more gets to me. And it's getting harder for me to be nice. It's turning me into an asshole bartender, which isn't fair to my bosses or the customers or me. I don't want to be a dick. I have a regular who I absolutely hate. He's what I'd call a leftover from the old ownership when it was a real shithole of a bar. He sits on this raised patio area and barks orders all night long. And if I happen to ignore him because I'm helping customers right in front of me, he comes up and yells at me. And threatens to tell my bosses. Yeah, okay dude.
But Friday was the worst. First off, I don't work Fridays anymore, but I was filling in. Right after I got there and it was getting busy, he starts in. Bitching left and right. I didn't have time to yell at him and just ignored him and his drunken friends. Later on in the night the cops came in to survey the scene, which they usually do. But this time the customer decided to tell them how to do their jobs. Big surprise, since that's what he does to me every day. But then he doesn't get out of their faces and they have to forcibly remove him from the bar. Are you fucking kidding me?! I was so mad at him for being a dick and pretty much getting me in trouble. So I was freaking out while they talked to him. I could go to jail if they decided he was too drunk to be in the bar. Luckily they came back in and said it wasn't my fault. Holy crap, talk about a free pass!
Then the really bad customer incident happened.
So this uber-asshole and his whiney wife came in and wanted beer and pull tabs. It was too busy for pull tabs so Sevanni told them that. They immediately started bitching and moaning. They kept pestering her and she finally told them no, just leave. The dude starts yelling really aggressively, so I walk over and pull their drinks and tell them to leave. Then the dude starts yelling at me. And I'm not gonna lie, he is an intimidating looking man. He then tells me, "big mistake. You forget what a small, small town this is. I'll see you again." So that's when I lose it and tell him to get the fuck out of the bar. His ho wife goes to the bathroom and he walks towards the door. When I see he's still inside I walk over and tell him to get the fuck out again. Pretty much yell it at him. He yells back that he's not leaving and to call the cops. Finally he leaves after a lot of yelling. I went back to work and was shaking so hard I couldn't hold a glass. Customers I didn't even serve came up and asked if I was okay. A girl bought me a shot. So nice. Why can't they all be nice?
So I was kind of shook up all night after that. I mean really, what if he did wait for me to get out of work? It was a Friday so at least they're would be two of us. But if he waits on a Wednesday or Thursday, I leave alone. That is fucking crazy. My job is not anywhere worth being afraid for my life. And he is one of the few crazy ones I would actually fear.
Big choices must be made. And soon.

Fam-Damily

First off, I am not happy that our pirated wifi in our apartment isn't working. How inconsiderate of others to not let me sap free internet from them:) This leaves me to hanging out in the bar during the day and using theirs. I would rather be at home "multitasking", ie doing ah load of laundry and blogging, but no, I have to go to the bar. And now that the Imperial's wifi isn't working well or at all, I have to use the Rendezvous'. I hate hanging out at work before I have to work. Hate it. But it's a means. Anyway life recap:
Sarah's whole frickin family came to Juneau. Holy crap. First her twin sister and her husband came in on Thursday afternoon. They're nice fun folks. We took them to the brewery, always a good place to start. Then that evening her mom, dad, brother and his wife came into town. I didn't meet them until 7am the next morning when they decided to have breakfast. After I had to work and close the bar down, thanks guys.
Friday we did soooo many tourist things, we should be guides. We took them to Costa's for breakfast, went to the glacier, hiked to the falls near it, half of them saw a bear. Then we went to the Salmon Bake, damn it's gross food, but it was fun. The the salmon hatchery to see what they had just ate. Then we went on a whale watching tour with Sarah's old company and capt. And we saw whales! Sarah and I needed some drinks after spending the day sneaking cigarettes and not holding hands in front of her fam, so we had oh, a couple:) And we may have stayed out till bar close.
Saturday the bro in law had some road race to run, fool. So we slept in as long as we could. Which wasn't long. That day the kids all went fishing and Sarah and I got supplies for rockabilly night.
Sunday they went out to Tracy Arm, I really wish I could have gone. It's so pretty out there, just amazing. But no, I was stuck at the sucky bar.
The visit overall was fine, everyone was nice. It was a little weird to not feel comfortable being how I want to be. But the funniest part of the visit was Sarah's sister in law. We were eating dinner the night before they were to go to Tracy Arm. Sarah said we had some gloves they could borrow and I asked her if she knew where they were. She said they were above the kitty litter, and so I said we probably had several pairs they could borrow. Then "super nice but head in a hole" sister in law exclaims "I get it! You two are roommates!" Yes, we're roommates. In a one bedroom. With one bed. That's why I get up early to have breakfast with you after working all night at the bar. Because I'm Sarah's roommate. Oy. But it was so funny when she said it, I had to turn my head and look out the window and start talking about the weather so I wouldn't start laughing.
But they're all gone now so I can go back to being all sappy and lovey to Sarah wherever I feel like it.

Something in the water

In the last two weeks two very close friends have told me they're expecting. And not a letter. I'm incredibly happy for both of them. One, my best friend, has had a not so smooth relationship with her boyfriend and they weren't actively trying ttc. But they did and they're very happy about it. My other friend just told me yesterday that his girlfriend is pregnant. I don't know how intentional it was, but I know that he's wanted children forever. I am super excited about it.
But at the same time, it's so strange. My circle of friends is always changing, that's just life. But now it is really changing. Did I mention I have a friend who is due in about two months? I'm afraid it will create a seperation between me and my friends. That there will now always be a hidden distance between us.

I'm most afraid about this regarding my best friend. When I left my ex and moved back home, she and I started hanging out. We were both in fun but very unhealthy parts of our lives. It was great, partying and acting irresponsible. And over the years we've both calmed down, grown up, whatnot. We are both in relationships, so that already changes the dynamic of our friendship. It's not what are we (me and her) doing? It's what do we all want to do (me, her and our others)? Or we spend time with our others. Which makes total sense and I'm fine with it.
But now that she's going to be a mom, I don't know if we will have our same friendship (or even something close to it) and that's hard. I love kids, wanted kids for years, still kind of want them. But it will be different, her having the responsibility of another life. And me not. The hollow slight jealously of her having what I want and can't have.

I wanted kids for such a long time, tried pretty damn hard to get them, but never did. When I left the ex, I didn't want them anymore. I was fairly disillusioned about everything. But over the last 8 or so months I have been going back and forth on the issue. I've feel like I've found someone that I would want to have children with. And at times it seems like she wants the same thing. Which makes it even harder. The refound hope hurts worse than not having any. One day it's great and the next day I feel like we won't make it through the night. The real problem is that I keep all of this inside my head. I'm not a very talkative person when I should be. I have the hardest time opening my mouth and speaking when I should. So I go through these ups and downs kind of alone. With her left wondering what the hell is going on.
If it seems that I am in one of the "want baby" phases, it's not really true. Because I have hope and faith in our relationship, I always want children in the back of my head. But having all of these pregnancies around me isn't making it any worse.

What does sort of make me sad is that we don't have the option of "not really trying ttc", it just happening and us dealing with it. I know we're not ready at this stage for that even if it could happen. But that it can NEVER happen is just so frustrating. When, if, we get to that stage of trying, we will go through what so many others already have, the charts and pills and syringes and waiting. The hope and crush. I don't know if I can do that. Ever. I just don't know. I've read what a strain it is to try, I don't know if I could survive it. If we could survive it. Surely not now, but maybe not even in the future. I feel like it would rip us apart, and that's obviously not what's intended. And well that doesn't really give me a lot of hope. And there it is again the pain of hope mixed with the lack of.

It's so hard for me to explain what I want because I often want very conflicting things at the same time. It's hard for me to understand myself, forget others trying. I guess the core of what I want is to be happy and to make who I love happy. And to figure out how the hell to do both.