Why I Don't

What do I eat? It seems like I exclude so many things that there just isn't anything left. Oh, but there is! But first, I think it makes sense to start with a quick (or not so quick) rundown of what I don't eat...and why.

Meeeeeat.

No animal meat or animal byproducts (to the extent that I am capable), this means all meat varieties including fish/seafood, dairy products, and eggs. Is there anything else I'm forgetting? Basically if you think it's meat, I don't eat it. 

I'm slightly on the fence about honey. I sort of see it as a byproduct of a necessary process. No bees to pollinate = no plants to eat = hungry, cranky me. So why not use it? The rub is that naturally, bees don't produce honey year round. They can actually hibernate for up to 11 months. So honey production is forcing the bees to produce in unnatural conditions and quantities. So for the most part I eschew honey as well.

All that being said, I do not fully subscribe to a vegan lifestyle. I say "vegan" to help people understand that I also don't want meat broth in addition to not wanting meat; I don't want eggs in addition to not wanting bacon. But to describe my diet, I prefer the term "plant based nutrition", because to me it's the nutrition part that is more important than the lifestyle. But how do I say that? I'm a plant based nutritionalist? I have no clue. Ideas? Send 'em my way. Anyway, I still have leather boots, make up with more than likely animal derived ingredients, animal bristled paint brushes, etc. I believe that it is much more wasteful to not use what I already have. The deed's been done, throwing it away and purchasing an animal free replacement won't undo anything, it would only mean the animal really did die for nothing. I do however attempt to purchase animal free replacements as I run out of whatever item.

So, why no animal/animal by-product consumption?

The number one reason is my health. Animal product consumption will. Kill. You. Yes, I know none of us will make it out of life alive, but damn it, I want to go out as healthy as possible. There are studies proving the link between casein (the milk protein that give cheese it's stringy goodness) consumption and cancer production in human cells. And those tests also prove that stopping casein consumption STOPS cancer production. It can literally turn on and off cancer. So why, knowing that, would I chose to turn it on? I just can't ignore information like that. But don't take my word for it, research it. If you haven't watched Forks Over Knives, start there. It is an incredibly eye opening documentary and contains life saving information that I think the general public just doesn't know. Because our government (being puppeteer-ed by the meat-dairy-monsanto-drug company monsters), doesn't want us to know. Fooducate yourselves because they're not telling you the healthy truth. You're worth  more to them sick than healthy.

Sustainability. Meat production is such a drain on our resources, it's really just ridiculous. Energy and land are wasted on feeding, raising, slaughtering, shipping, and producing animal products. Both of which we don't have in abundance to waste on an unnecessary industry. Then there is the environmental impact of the toxic waste created by the animals and animal processing. We're basically killing the planet while we kill ourselves. Great thinking, peeps, let's see how that turns out for us. I'd rather not.

I understand that there are still similar drains in producing plant based products, but it can't be ignored that the drain is greatly less. And that's something. I don't remember where I heard this, probably the internet, they can't put anything on the internet that isn't true ;) But a vegan who drives a Hummer creates less of a negative environmental impact compared to a meat eater driving a hybrid. Well it turns out that this isn't quite true. But meat consumption does account for more greenhouse gas production that all transportation, as in, planes, trains, and automobiles. Chew on that.

And of course, the animals. I was a vegan once before. I had just come from eating a low carb therefore high meat fad diet. I lost a bit of weight in a really unhealthy for me way. Who knows what my cholesterol levels were then! But anyway... I was on a road trip and two specific instances triggered my desire to not consume animals. While in California, we drove past a big truck carrying what I think were turkeys. It was night time and under the freeway lights I could see them. I could see them jam packed in crates with legs, wings poking out and feathers flying everywhere. It seemed like they were prisoners going to their execution. We also drove past CAFOs in Texas and other Midwestern states. CAFO stands for concentrated animal feeding operations; again, jam packing animals into a space that is more than likely inadequate for the amount of animals and produces great levels of pollution. To give an example, from the ol' Wiki: In 1966, it took one million farms to house 57 million pigs; by the year 2001, it only took 80,000 farms to house the same number of pigs. This is not a good thing, people. Those two things galvanized me into deciding that I was going to stop eating meat. But I thought I'd stick with consuming animal byproducts; eggs, cheese, yogurt, etc. Being a vegetarian sounded much easier and less crazy than being a vegan. 

But the animals that produce those byproducts versus those raised just for their meat, are not destined any better of a fate or demise, generally. Yes there are organic, ethical farms raising happy chickens that lay happy eggs. But do not fool yourselves, there are less of those than you think and that box that says "cage free" doesn't necessarily mean the freedom you hope it does. I am very empathetic, I can't help but immediately put myself in the painful reality of others. And that includes animals. I can't condone the unethical treatment of animals, I just can't. They feel, they suffer. Just because they can't verbally say so doesn't mean it isn't true. It's really just an asshole assumption that because we're at the top of the food chain, it's legit to make those below us suffer for our sake. Ri-dic. Ultimately, the general mistreatment of animals for byproduct production is as unconscionable as for meat production and that is what lead me to being a vegan.

Quick aside, I support those who chose to ethically hunt / raise / butcher their own meat products. IF you're going to do it, do it right. I do not support those whose hunts equate to a fast food drive-thru or store bought steak and eggs. Ya heard?

I became a vegan and ended up moving to the Midwest, not your typical vegan locale. Especially the part I ended up in. They had this dish, it had tater tots, a shit ton of processed cheese, and maybe a pig's worth of bacon. And probably some cream of meat soup, I don't know. It was like a heart attack wrapped in cancer. I was determined to stay a vegan in those surroundings and it wasn't until I moved back to Alaska that I stopped being a vegan. I somehow was able to push the truths I knew out of my head and went back to full on animal consumption. 

It wasn't until about two, three years ago when I started to get sick, that becoming a vegan again sounded like a good idea. I don't know what was or is wrong with me. When it started I was sick all the time. My stomach would feel upset after eating anything and I was usually nauseous in the really early mornings, like when I was supposed to be sleeping, damn it. It was horrible, I used all the sick days I had and ones I didn't. I went to the doctor and they of course, prescribed me useless drugs. Like stupid name brand shit for heartburn. I knew it wasn't heartburn, I've had heartburn and this was so much worse. It was like my entire insides were burning. Like I could feel pain in my organs that I shouldn't be able to notice even exist, if that makes any sense. Finally they did find what was wrong, at least partially. I had H. Pylori, which is a bacterium that is linked to ulcers and stomach cancer and which 50% of the world has, but 80% who have it are asymptomatic; which means I was one of the lucky few experiencing horrific pain from their habitation. Awesome. The cure of course, was as bad as the ailment. A super regimen of a  cocktail of antibiotics that had the same painful side effects as what I was already experiencing. But after it was done I did start to feel a bit better. But not completely.

They did test me to see if I had Celiac disease and the results were that I didn't. An awesome friend who happens to be a chiropractic doctor told me that I could still be gluten intolerant because there are different levels to test for and generally they don't test for all of them. I was willing to try anything to feel better so I decided to take the plunge and become...

Gluten free.

Dun, dun, duuuuun. It seems even crazier than being a vegan. Even to me. I don't understand how you could be allergic to wheat. How is it not a basic part of human nutrition? But it turns out that in our desire to have more delicious, rather than nutritious foods, we have altered wheat. And it is not the same gentle grain it once was. 

As I searched out gluten free information, many of the recipes were meat centered. It seemed, according to most gluten free recipes or products, that to replace wheat I would have to consume more meat and cheese. And while I was consuming them at that time, consuming more just seemed counterproductive to my quest for better health. So thoughts of becoming a vegan once again filled my brain...and it was only a matter of time before I completed my metamorphosis into my current, incredibly stereotypical persona: a vegan, gluten-free, lesbian. Seriously, I feel like a cliche. But you know what? I'm the motherfucking healthiest cliche walking. Because removing gluten from my diet was like a magic trick. I wasn't sick anymore. It was AMAZING. It was such a humungous relief to just feel better.

Unfortunately, it's not 100% better. I still feel sick sometimes and I'm not sure what it is. I've given up on doctors. One, because the pain generally isn't that bad. And two, because I've never had any faith in them anyway. They don't want to cure you, they want to prescribe you. So it's now the "What the fuck else could I be allergic to or intolerant of" game? Currently the consensus (that is, my wife says so, so I listen) is that I'm also allergic to potatoes. Talk about a sad, pathetic sap. No potatoes? Are you kidding me!? But yes, when I eat potatoes or even something with potato flour in it, I don't feel well. So the tubers were nixed as well as wheat. And that has gotten me as close to 100% awesome as possible.

And removing gluten and potatoes has greatly reduced my consumption of prepackaged, processed products and led to me making practically everything I eat. And that, along with no longer consuming all the negative crap in meat products, has led to me losing a shit ton of weight. Like ah lot. I went from about 210-220lbs at my heaviest to currently around 139-142lbs. Oh and for those of you who don't know me in teh real world, I'm short, like not even quite 5'4". I had NO business ever weighing that much. 

I didn't even have the excuse of having created life; this is my nephew and me at one of the higher weight points.

Yeaaah. No thanks. If ever I'm so frustrated by the difficulties of my expansively restrictive diet that I want to go back to being an omnivore, I think of this picture. I am a self centered human. I can force myself to forget about the animals, the environment, but I will not allow myself to forget what impact eating meat has on myself.

*No, NOT legally, thank you, fucking Alaska and the federal government for still viewing and treating us as second class citizens.

My giant weight loss also awesomely coincided with my wedding. Win fucking win. In the above picture I'm at about 144lbs and over the top excited to have just married* the love of all my lives, my soul mate.

So that about sums up what I don't eat and why. Tune in next time, kiddos, for what I do eat and how!

Sicky McSickstein

That's me. It crept into my awareness Thursday. Obviously I was a lil tired after going out for St. Drink-a-ton, and I may have smoked a few cigarettes while out. So that's what I attributed the slight annoying scratchiness at the back of my throat. Oh it'll go away, it's just my body telling me to keep on not smoking. Right? Riiight. Until I woke up Friday morning. I'M SICK. Noooooo! My head felt like some evil elf snuck in during the night and filled my head with boulders. Asshole elves. Happened to have some Sudafed, gulped that down and went back to sleep. Unfortunately, awoke still sick. Fuck. My amazing roomie who I will love till the end of time and then still, brought me top ramen, 7up, theraflu and tissues home on her lunch break. SO NICE! So armed with all that and some of her throat numb-er spray stuff, I loafed in bed all day and watched Gangs of New York. Which I realized I had previously watched only up until his dad gets killed. Which is like oh 15 minutes into a two disc dvd. So I stayed awake even with my heavy duty cold meds and watched the whole thing. I liked it. Daniel Day Lewis is so good at being bad!
Saturday I woke up even sicker. Awesome. But I had promised Ver I'd watch her get a tattoo on her foot. So I made myself take a shower and get slightly prettied up. Which was a challenge because once I got to the tattoo shop and looked in the mirror I realized I looked like Kate from the Bad Girls Club. On her hungover mornings. My eyes were squished inside of my puffy cheeks. Ugh awesome. Later on I got more medicine, which I think slightly reduced the chipmunker look of my face.
So today is Sunday, day three of my stupid head cold thingy. It is soooo nice and sunny outside! I don't want to take meds today. I figure I'll just blow my nose a lot and say things with a th more often. And I thinks we's going to the beach. Yay!

Veg-tastic Voyage

Last week I bought dried lentils and barley and thought I'd experiment with them. I found an easy seeming recipe for the lentils called Mjeddrah. It was pretty easy and simple. And I had just made my miso dressing so I was excited to try it with it. It was good and hearty and made a lot more than I needed. And since my fabulous roomie is on the meat end of the diet spectrum, she's no help to make it disappear. So the idea of lentil veggie burgers rolled around in my head for a while. Until finally today I looked up recipes. I basically followed this one, plus the video was fun to watch.

How I made them was, I toasted four pieces of cracked wheat bread in the oven. Ground them up in the food processor along with black pepper, granulated garlic, cayenne pepper and some shards of Parmesan cheese. Yes I cheated and didn't make it vegan. But I happened to have the cheese on hand from last nights pasta and figured I'd try it out. Then I added the left over mjeddrah to the food processor and a few squirts of Braggs and mixed it all up. Put a little bit of safflower oil in a pan and got it fairly hot and dropped gobs of the mixture into the pan. I let them cook for a long time and kept kind of pushing them farther down so they would get more browned. They don't get super firm as they are a pureed mixture, but as they were cooling they felt like they were getting firmer. I tried the little one and let the others cool and then froze them. I had a little mixture left over so I made little patties and then halfway through I broke them up and cooked them. So now I have veggie crumbles for salad or wraps.

Yesterday I made pasta for my awesome friend S. It was red kale, butter beans, sun dried tomatoes and a can of Italian tomatoes and probably 6 or 7 cloves of garlic and spices tossed with whole wheat linguine and shards of Parmesan cheese. Basically sauteed everything together, starting with the garlic and kale. I ended up smashing the beans once they had simmered a bit. I think it made a nicer thickness and got rid of the canned bean taste. It was pretty tasty. She liked it and when a different friend came over later she had some and she liked it as well. It's always nice to know that other people like my food. I have such weird tastes and usually lovey roommate looks at me a little weird when I create stuff. So ha! Normal people liked it! Yay!

My miso dressing. My fave sister in Seattle always makes me make her a huge batch of it when I visit. I don't follow a recipe, I made it up so it's all by sight and taste. But these are the ingredients if you want to try it out. In order of amount, btw.
Oil - I use safflower or Enova, whatever you like. A little flax seed oil is great.
Vinegar - Rice, red wine, or apple cider is good. Even balsamic but it'll change the over all taste.
Dijon Mustard - This is magic. One it tastes goood. Two, it acts as an emulsifier.
Maple Syrup
Miso - I've only used white. Usually three tablespoons or so.
Garlic - Usually two-four cloves, I use a garlic press. Best invention ever.
Black pepper
Cayenne pepper

So basically put it all together and whisk till the miso is dissolved. I haven't used my food processor to make this yet but that seems like a pretty handy way to get it all emulsified and the garlic chopped up.

The next culinary ideas I have rolling around are breads, soy milk and Moroccan stuffed peppers. The peppers are for this Sunday dinner. HDot and I have decided to have Sunday dinners with her lil G man. I'm pretty excited to have someone to cook for and to hang out with her more. And her little dude is seriously the cutest kid on earth.
The soy milk I've made before. I own a soy milk maker. I don't know if it still works, it's been shipped back and forth between here and Kansas a few times. But I bought soy beans, and damn they're hard to find!, and if it works I'll be making some. If not, I'll be buying cheesecloth and making some.
Breads. I want to know how to make bread and have it be good. My mother was born in her fathers bakery in France. He baked bread every day up until he died. One of my only memories of him are his big arthritic knuckles covered in flour kneading dough. It's in my genes somewhere, I just have to cultivate it.

February, really?

Cause it looks to me like it's late April and those cruise ships should be headed up the channel in no time. But they'll be here soon enough. Time to enjoy the strangely sunny fair weather of Feb without the waddling tourists. I did enjoy the sun and crazy low fog-cloud-thing hanging over the channel today. Every time I went outside to smoke.
I've had so many things to blog about and they roll back and forth in my head. Trying to decide if they're actually blog worthy. Taking into consideration I've blogged about a virtual panda I've adopted, not much should get turned down. I just keep putting it off until whatever blog fodder seems outdated and then I don't. Like how it would make no sense to blog about going to Las Vegas for the Shot Show. Meh that was like years, ok 3-4 weeks, ago.

Trip in a nutshell: I twisted my ankle two days before I left. Fog delayed leaving town by half a day. Got to eat at 13 Coins, LOVE it. Walked about a zillion miles across the Sands convention center looking at knives and guns and grip and grinning with vendors. Filled my bag with knife swag. Played slots. Drank. Went to huge porn shop. Played more slots. Drank even more. Ate sushi with mango. Did I mention drank? Started smoking again, damn casinos. Rained the entire time, never got wet, gotta love parking garages. Realized I have a fear of parking garages. Shoved my carry on full, had to leave free knives. Flew to Seattle for the night. Hit another convention. Went out to drink, err I mean, eat. Went to two gay bars. Danced my ass off despite my twisted ankle. Came home. The end.

Maybe I should always blog like that. Much more efficient. Or something. Ooh crappy, that's it, much more crappy :) Let's see what else? We hosted a tattoo and piercing competition at the bar. That was cool. It was great to see so many different amazing tattoos. And most of them were on old ass gnarly bikers which made it even sweeter. It was a good turn out. The bar was supposed to be done being renovated for the party, but it is the bar. So liiiike half of it was done. But it's a start and it's really looking good. Way less piss smell.

Then there was the Super Bowl. My job was to cocktail but I mostly wandered around pulling off a 24oz heiny trying to get people to drink or buy shots and giving away raffle prizes. So at the end of it I had had a bagazillion drinks and not much food. That equated to me going to a friends boat, I do remember looking down the boat stairs...and falling down them. Nice cut on my hand, awesome sobbing on my part, friend luckily sober enough to drive me across the street and up the hill. Woke up to a nice throbbing hand and huge bruises. It wasn't a good day needless to say.

Which leads to Saturday, the next time I went out. I obviously needed a break after that super Sunday and had a week to dry out until Sevanni's bday. So I got all hotted up, gotta say I think my make up was extra smoky eyed and fierce. Added a sweet blonde streaky thing to my hair. It was good, it was all good. Went out and just got stupid. It was dumb. Not as bad as super bowl but still just plain lame. Which leads up to the real meat of this blog post. I quit drinking.

Forever? Doubtful, but who knows? What I do know is that this winter has been mostly shitty. A lot of it has been beyond my control but a good amount of it has been made worse by me. And drinking, ever the depressant it is, isn't helping. And I have the awe inspiring talent of being able to drink considerable amounts of booze and still "function". I'm sure it'd be more of a talent if say I was in college and not pushing 30. But as it is, it's not really doing me any favors by being able to down a dozen shots and not care to stop.

In some ways it would be easier if I just couldn't function without a daily drink, if I was a classic alcoholic. At least easier for people to say, dude you need help. I don't know what the future holds and whether or not booze will be a part of it. It definitely freaks me the fuck out to think of never, ever drinking again. But maybe. My goal for now is to just dry out till spring. See where my head is at then and maybe try it out again. But more short term I've been holed up in my apartment working out and watching the Olympics all day. It's kind of all I can do right now. And it's helping. One, I now understand the fine art of curling and kind of want to try it. Two, I've been kicking my ass daily on my elliptical machine and it feels good. It feels effing fantastic. Even when I go outside to enjoy the sunshine and smoke afterwards. Baby steps yo, baby steps.

Quitter

I got a new tattoo! Yay! Finally for eff's sake, it's been almost a year! For xmas my incredibly awesome artist gave me a free hour of work. So now I have a half done huuuge fleur de lis on my back. Which I love and can't wait to get filled in. Of course I freaked myself out before hand. I always get nervous before a tattoo. What if it suddenly hurts way more than any other tattoo I've gotten? What if the horrible cough I've had rears its ugly head and makes for a shitty outline? What if I hate it? Well luckily none of the above happened. Yes it hurt! It's tiny needles being jabbed repeatedly into my skin, kittens weren't licking it on. But I managed. It was only an hour, I could have sat for longer but I had to go to work. Yes I scheduled my tattoo right before I had to work. At a new bar. Smart. But it was only the Bergmann so I wasn't expecting it to be busy and I've been there plenty of times and made a drink or two there. This would just be my first time behind the bar during bar hours!
It was fine. Completely dead for the first three hours. Luckily two of my friends came in and helped clean my tattoo for me. Nothing says true friends like "sure I'll touch your open wound"! Then there was a little party for the last night of Christmas. Which didn't make it too busy, just fun, and I got food. I'm down with that. And I only had to stretch and reach the top shelf once which was a big plus.
I quit smoking this year. So far so damn good. I've been using the patch which I know will still lead to me wanting to smoke once I finish using them, but they're working for now. Yesterday I tried no patch since I'm running down and I was just staying at home anyway. That plus my awesome pms-y mood probably wasn't the best idea. At least only a small amount of the public had to deal with me. Sorry Ver! Loves you! So I have the patch back on today since I am second on at the bar and will be around smoking friends.
And I've kind of stopped drinking, at least for a bit. Originally I decided that I'm gonna not drink until I go to Las Vegas on the 19th. But after my tattoo I decided since I didn't get my traditional smoke, I at least deserved a shot! So one shot so far is pretty darn good in my book. We'll see how tonight goes. I know if I drink and then drink enough I'm going to convince myself that one shared cigarette won't be bad. And one wouldn't be. But then my drunk mind would tell me that one more wouldn't either. And then all the damn money I spent on patches would be for not. So I know it's in my best, albeit boring, interest for me to not drink right now. Ugh, why I gotta be all smart and shit?
But I know this is what I have to do. As much as I L.O.V.E. smoking, I know it's bad for me. There is not ONE good benefit to it. Oh except for the slow, painful, expensive death it ensues. Forgot about that stellar one. I'm over it, I'm better than smoking. The end. Just have to keep telling myself that. And this time I'm serious. I hate being a quitter, especially so many times. This is the last time!
This is me going forward. I'm tired of looking back and living in the past. On so many accounts. It's so easy to gloss over memories and see the best and forget about the worst and the pain. But they're there too! I don't know, I'm sure this ramble is pretty similar to the last one, but it's what's on my mind currently. If I don't change I never will. It's not just gonna POOF and happen without me making it. So I'm making it :D
I will leave you with a crappy pic of my new tattoo. It (and my back) are prettier in person, I swear!

Lackluster

That's what I should really call this damn blog. I want to get all those witty things out of my head and post em. Somehow by the time I click open a tab and start typing, they've all wandered off. Damn short attention span thoughts. So what's been going on in my lil corner of the world? Nada. Perhaps that's contributing to the lack of post fodder. I did have about ten zillion xmas parties to attend this last week. Okay two, but I'm a hermit and it felt like I had to "be somewhere" every night. Not saying it wasn't a blast and I even got to dress up all purdy. But is it so wrong to want to stay home and watch crappy reality tv instead? Of that, I am a fan. Why enrich my life and broaden my horizons by learning or interacting with friends when I can watch Khloe drunkenly attack douchebag Scott? What's more enriching than that? Okay just about anything, but it is making winter more interesting in a cheaper-than-going-out-and-drinking-and-then-hating-life-the-next-day way.

Which is where I'm at today. I had to go out last night. My bestie J was mad I didn't spend time with her Sunday night, so she wanted me to come out Monday. So I did. Which apparently wasn't good enough. So I sat there, with V luckily, while we entertained ourselves and everyone else played a board game. Effing rad. It felt nice. So we got drunk about it and how! Especially after ditching the game we weren't a part of and going to visit mama bear at the Imp. Met a new person. One who may or may not be a person of interest this winter. We'll see. I'm not holding my breath. My other main accomplishment of yesterday, other than spending a lot of money of stuff that makes me feel like crap, was working out. Yay!

I bought several workout dvd's this summer and whatcha know, never used them. Weeeird. Cleaned my room up all nice and finally busted one out. My knee has been hurting me, so I figured that if I did the lower body workout, it would help it. Suuuure. Holy effing hell that video kicked my ass. Or my legs actually. At least it was a hot lesbian instead of Jane Fonda or the crazy little hairy munchkin. I am excited to start using it more, it was hard but good. And not only did I wake up with the MOAH (mother of all hangovers), I could also barely walk. MY LEGS HURT SO FUCKING BAD! Like I can barely step over the threshold of the door. Eff walking up stairs, yeah right! I'm pretty certain the oldest person on earth could beat me at a foot race today. And possibly tomorrow. Not to mention the amazing array of grunting / moaning noises it takes for me to get up out of this chair. I am so hot. Ah fuck it, it's a start and I'll take it!

In other news, I've decided I care not about the holidays this year. I'm single and broke and not excited about all the xmas crap? Big surprise. I'm sure if I was all excited about it, I'd still have said yes to working. On Christmas. Yup. So when the day has been overloaded by family and food and presents, come on down and drink up some holiday cheer! Alone and broke? Come on down and not tip me! All the while telling me boring stories and leering at me and most likely stinking. Oh wait, that's the customers who will already be there. I forgot. Such a charmed life I lead. And on that note, time for me to grunt my way out of this chair and smoke. Yaaay :D

Doin it

Day two of walking. And I got up and did it. As much as I didn't want to and had a splitting headache. But I feel much better having done so. So the whole quitting smoking thing got put on hold. But I have a really good reason, I swear. I ordered patches online and they won't be here till early next week. And B comes in tomorrow and she's the one person I would really want to smoke with. Sooo if I wait until my patches come in then I will have two full weeks without B in which to be a bitch and quit then. See? Perfect. That and the uber stupid-not-important-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things drama that occurred yesterday helped me wait to quit.

I'm not going to be all catty and talk about the argument or the person involved. What I will talk about is mother fucking miscommunications. Person A sees things in red, person B sees things in blue. For all the fuck we know, they're both right, but they're gonna fight to the death disagreeing with each other. Why?! It is so frustrating. The worst part about my shit is, really this is why you're gonna carry hate in your heart for me? This? Good choice, have fun with that. I am honestly sorry for lots of things I did wrong in the past. Lots. Unfortunately I can't change a one of them. But I've moved on and am learning from the mistakes I've made. I'm not continuing to be malicious, I'm not arguing for arguments sake, I swear to fucking God. If I'm standing my ground it's because I honestly believe I am correct. There, that's it. I've said my piece. It's out of my hands. I can't let petty arguments linger in me, it's not healthy and certainly not worth it.

In much better news, it was 59 degrees when Ver and I drove by the temp sign last night. At TEN PM! WTF?! If I've ever needed to use an interrobang that would be the sentence. And if you know what one is, I love you (Ver :) ) I can't believe this bizarre hot weather. It'd be way nicer if say I was skinny enough to wear a skirt without my thighs starting a fire, if I wasn't a ginger and could absorb pigment, if our AC worked in the store, or if I was independently wealthy and could cruise on a high end super tiny tour boat all summer and be waited on by the hottest steward on earth. Yeah that would be the tits. But c'est la vie right? This is still the best summer of my life. Well, so far that is, who knows what the future holds.

Today I'm gonna bust out the majority of my payroll so I don't have to worry about it tomorrow morning. Ver and I are getting up early yet again, crazy I know! To go hike out to Dupont. I'm really excited, I've never been there and the weather is going to be perfect for it. Then I have to come to the shop, meet with the bookkeeper and do payroll. Then maybe use the internet and order prints of Sitka pictures while I wait for my love to get off the boat. Then I'm stealing her away to a beach. It's too nice for bars. That's for later that night!

Have a great weekend! I know I will! Ha!

The Best Me

First off, Sitka trip. Fantastic! Ver and I finally made it out of this town, but barely. So we decided to drink the night before, just a little, just to see how it feels :) I went home around 12:30, don't know when she went home. She picked me up in the morning to head to the ferry terminal and asked if I had the tickets on the way out there. I said we get them there all we need is our ID's. So she has me look through her purse for her wallet. No wallet. Yikes. So we flip a bitch and head back to her house. Tear it apart, still no wallet. We decide to check the bar in hopes the cleaners are there and they have it. No cleaners, still no wallet. So we rush over to her job and she gets a photocopy of her ID. Now we haul ass out to the ferry terminal which is about as far away as you can get in this town, still not knowing if they will let her on. We got there and pleaded our case and they let us on. Thank goodness! The ride was fun and boring. Got into town and the ex showed us all around Sitka, it was so much fun. That town is beautiful! He dropped us off at the PBar and we hung out with B's coworker till she got off the boat. Had some drinks, checked into our hotel, went back and had more drinks. It was so effing perfect! Best weekend of my life basically. And I get to see her this weekend, three in a row! The next one is gonna blow. I'm already planning a repeat trip next month.

Now onto me. Ver and I have been talking about being healthier since I've been on my own, and making baby steps towards it. But not really getting that far. After coming back from Sitka I got a massively bad flu and am just getting over it. Because of that my last pack of smokes lasted me like four days, pretty good for me. So I decided that pack was my last! Today Ver and I got up at 5:30 and walked 4.3 miles. I had breakfast, I put on a patch she gave me and got to work on time without coffee. So this is me working on me. I've come to the realization that part of the reason my prior relationships haven't worked is because I am so focused on becoming part of the other person and not staying my own person. I think by doing this I can give B the best me. And I deserve to be the best me. I feel great and so optimistic, I have my whole great life ahead of me. And I'm so excited for it.

And the all the fluttery-worried-excited feeling I had in my stomach all week prior to going to Sitka about telling B I loved her? Well she beat me to it, so I guess we are on exactly the same page. Life is fucking amazing!

So much

It's been forever and a day since I last posted. Not much and everything has changed since then.

We adopted a kitten. His name is Frank because he has blue eyes. He's a gray siamese and is gently retarded. We picked him over his brother because of his lazy eye and his tendency to sit with his mouth slightly agape. We figured he'd get along with our other stupid pets. And he does! We had to convince Zyda that she shouldn't jump on him or swallow him whole. Now they play and sleep together. Jack was very unhappy to see another cat brought in and didn't hold back from telling us. But it only took a few days before she was cleaning his fur and sleeping next to him in the closet. And she hangs out with us more often. So getting Frank really has brought the other pets closer together. Which is what I said a kitten would do. So there!

Last week I stayed at a hotel. So we could have time to think without one of us having to sleep on the couch. We decided that I will move out and we will try and date. That if we're not around each other all the time, maybe we will actually want to be around each other. And if not then I'm already moved out. I hope it works. It's so confusing that two people who love each other so much can't make things work. It's so frustrating. So as much as I'm not looking forward to leaving, I know this is the best solution to our problems. 

And while I was away, I developed a head to toe rash. Awesome. I don't think it's from the hotel room. I woke up with it after staying at a friends house. I've never been allergic to anything. People keep saying it's stress and I guess that's what it must be. I think I'm just not letting myself realize how stressed out I am. But my body knows and is letting me know. It itches like a mofo. In fact I've had it almost a week. I wonder how long it will take till I break down and go to the doctor. I just can't afford it is all. And I have plenty of benadryl gel to keep the itching to a minimum.

Today is St. Patrick's Day and I have to tend bar. Hopefully I will make a ton of money and have fun. I would rather not be working, but I really need the money.

And this morning it was nice and semi spring out. Sun and some melting snow. Now it's still a little sunny but it's snowing. The weather is so effed.

And that's my life in a nutshell for now. I will try and post more often. I just haven't had the desire to do anything. I guess I have to make that stop.

Sick of being sick

Thursday I was coughing pretty bad so I took cough medicine, hence the weird dreams in my last post. Friday I felt out of it, not sick not well. Then comes Saturday. I woke up feeling pretty good. I had some buttered toast and coffee/cocoa and settled in to our marathon of Friends. As I'm sitting there I realize how nauseous I was becoming. And as the day went on it just got worse. I ended up throwing up at least 6 times that evening. It pretty much went drink water, wait a few minutes, puke, feel good for a while until I thought I was better at which time I would drink water or eat "ah" cracker and the process would repeat. Over and over. And somewhere along the way I developed a fever. Pretty rad Saturday.

I feel kind of better today. Still no energy and I don't want to try and eat, lest I become chained to the bathroom again. Sorry for the disgusting post but that's what's going on in my life.

Sarah is not sick and hopefully won't become so. She has all kinds of cleaning energy, which is great since I sure as hell don't. While I had some energy this morning we moved the extra bed downstairs and a bunch of empty boxes and the old dog bed. And we brought up a folding table we will use in the second room. I really want to use that room. As it is, we're paying like 300 extra bucks for a giant junk room, which isn't so good. But if we can get it organized it's worth it. I can start using my screen press and maybe sell stuff! That would be fantastic, but it'd be fun just to use it. 

Off to eat some crackers. Mmm crackers.

Oh yeah...I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've been stomach sick without alcohol involved since I was in high school. Awesome. That's kind of good right? Means I'm usually healthy unless I do something to screw it up.

To meat or not to meat

I've had the feeling inside that I want to go back to not eating meat again. I did it for a while, I guess I was a vegan for almost three years. It wasn't that hard, you just figure out what you can have. And make the rest. But that was about four years ago. Since then it's been the spectacular All-American diet. I still tend to veer to veggies, but I eat my fair share of meat or "meat" in fast food instances.
I'm tired of the food I eat being bad for me. Why on earth would I put something bad for me in me? Besides alcohol and tobacco, those are lovely vices for another day. But really, why? It tastes good. Okay, yes, generally the worse it is for you the tastier it is. But it's not like healthy food tastes bad. You get used to it too.
I've decided that I'm getting too old to keep beating up my body. Or completely ignoring it, that might be more accurate. It's not like I'm just gonna naturally be healthy with the way I eat and don't exercise. So I've started exercising also!
I can't afford our overpriced gyms, so I'm using a DVD I pilfered from the ex mom in law years ago. And I feel better already. Even the next day when I can barely walk, it's nice to feel my muscles again.
So if I'm gonna kick my ass doing squats all day, I need to be fueling my body with better foods. So what to get rid of? All meat? Some meat? Maybe just dairy? I don't know yet. But today for lunch instead of eating leftover porkchops with loaded mashed potatoes and corn, I made a veggie curry with steamed broccoli.
And I am contemplating joining Mrs. Bluemont's juice feast. It sounds pretty awesome. But then I need to buy a juicer and all the other stuff. And I know Juneau in the winter is not the time to live off of produce. Hell, not even in the summer. But maybe if I can find a good juicer on the cheap, I'll be more motivated to try.
We'll see what happens, but something is gonna. Just you wait.