Addictivity

So I might get addicted to things easily. Or things that are very addictive I like a lot. Hmm. Used to be sitting in a bar drinking, doing bad things. Always ready for the next night, the next unhealthy adventure. Luckily I'm not so addicted to that anymore. Still nice and addicted to smoking. It's just so darn tasty is all. And now I'm getting addicted to working out. Yes! Finally a good one! Still don't yearn for it quite the same as drinking and smoking, but it'll get there. I do however have a new bad addiction. Etsy. Oh how I can't live without thee! Ob-sessed! And worse off is that I happen to have cash in my bank account that is just sitting there. Not rent money, not bill money. Just...etsy money..eek. And I happen to be buying things under the guise of presents for upcoming birthdays. Yeah, like two of the things, maybe.
But in the long run spending hours perusing the site just makes me want to make things. Lots of things! I want to work with metal, yarn, paints, found materials. It makes me want to CREATE! And I just don't have the effing space for it and it's driving me crazy. I've been slightly obsessing (see a pattern?) over character stamps and initial jewelry. Looking at hardware sites, fine jewelry sites, wanting to buy all the materials and tools needed. And I could. But where oh where would I create with such tools and materials? Certainly not at my house. I can't leave cellophane from a cigarette pack on the floor or my cat attacks it. I have one door that closes. And behind that door is the cat stuff, so I can't exactly lock them out of there. Oh and it's the bathroom, I don't see that as a great jewelry making site. My apartment really isn't so bad. I just need some huge wardrobe with latching doors. I could have my paintings dry in there, trays with little shiny fixings just waiting to be combined. Sigh. Or I can just wait out the summer and see where the fall takes me. Either I'm moving :) or I'm investing in some kind of storage space so I can get back to being creative. Don't even get me started on knitting. Luckily the scarf that is now off the needle was one I didn't really like and I'm sure I can sand down the double pointed bamboo needle with the tiny kitty teeth marks in it.

Sunday Morning Reverie

Pure mush. You've been warned...

How I love and hate Sunday mornings. I am a huge fan of the wee hours of the morning. Especially waking up and realizing I am in my love's arms. The drifting in and out of sleep. Having the sweetest dream and being awake for it. Tangled in sheets and legs and smiles. I'd trade the sun and live in the darkness if I could always have that feeling. But then time tick tocks its way into the ephemeral perfection and it's time to tear away. How my heart aches just thinking about getting up and eventually having to say goodbye yet again. Just one more moment, no need to get up just yet, plenty of time still love. Time however has a way of moving on, faster and faster just when you want it to slow...to....a.....crawl. Then the search for far flung belongings. Slow meandering walk for coffee. Even slower much more resistant walk to the dock. Then silent pleads to freeze the moment that fall on the deaf ears of time and space. A million final goodbyes, just one more. Just one. And then there is just one left. With the sweetest kisses still lingering on my lips my feet guide me back home. Meanwhile my heart is stowing away, safe and sound snuggled with my love's own. Leaving in its place a sweet reverie, each moment replaying over and over. Committing to memory every sigh, glance, kiss, touch. The feeling of warm ticklish skin moving under fingertips and lips. Constellations of freckles dappling skin like stars at twilight. The weightlessness of being at home in each others arms. This is how I make it through the next two weeks.

<3 Music

Takin a break from my jam packed Friday for a music moment. I just heard a song that I have to post the lyrics to. It is pretty darn good and it would have been even more applicable a couple of months ago. It turns out it is by the same artist who sang the song B had me listen to on her iPod a few weeks ago. That one is completely currently applicable and heck I guess I aughta put those lyrics on here to. So first up, just heard this song a few minutes ago:

Joshua Radin : Brand New Day

Some kind of magic
Happens late at night
When the moon smiles down on me
And bathes me in it’s light

I fell asleep beneath you
In the tall blades of grass
When I woke the world was new
I never had to ask

It’s a brand new day
The sun is shining
It’s a brand new day
For the first time
In such a long long time
I know
I’ll be ok

Most kind of stories
Save the best part for last
Most stories have a hero who finds
You make your past your past
Ya you make your past your past

It’s a brand new day
The sun is shinning
It’s a brand new day
For the first time
In such a long long time
I know
I’ll be ok

This cycle never ends
Gotta fall in order to mend

And it’s a brand new day
It’s a brand new day
For the first time
Inn such a long long time
I know
I’ll be ok

And this is the song B played for me:

Joshua Radin : I'd Rather Be With You

Sitting here, on this lonely dock
Watch the rain play on the ocean top
All the things I feel I need to say
I can't explain in any other way

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too

Now here's the sun, come to dry the rain
Warm my shoulders and relieve my pain
You're the one thing that I'm missing here
With you beside me I no longer fear

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too

I could have saved so much time for us
Had I seen the way to get to where I am today
You waited on me for so long
So now, listen to me say:

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too
Say you feel the way I do

The great thing about both songs? I know I'll be OK and I do feel the way she feels. I highly recommend listening to them. And while you're at it, these too:

Amos Lee - Arms of A Woman
Ray LaMontagne - Roses And Cigarettes; You Are The Best Thing; Hey Me, Hey Mama
Ray Charles & Van Morrison - Crazy Love
Ingrid Michaelson - Breakable
UB40 - Bring Me Your Cup

I guess that's enough sappy love songs for one post, better get back to "work".

Doin it

Day two of walking. And I got up and did it. As much as I didn't want to and had a splitting headache. But I feel much better having done so. So the whole quitting smoking thing got put on hold. But I have a really good reason, I swear. I ordered patches online and they won't be here till early next week. And B comes in tomorrow and she's the one person I would really want to smoke with. Sooo if I wait until my patches come in then I will have two full weeks without B in which to be a bitch and quit then. See? Perfect. That and the uber stupid-not-important-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things drama that occurred yesterday helped me wait to quit.

I'm not going to be all catty and talk about the argument or the person involved. What I will talk about is mother fucking miscommunications. Person A sees things in red, person B sees things in blue. For all the fuck we know, they're both right, but they're gonna fight to the death disagreeing with each other. Why?! It is so frustrating. The worst part about my shit is, really this is why you're gonna carry hate in your heart for me? This? Good choice, have fun with that. I am honestly sorry for lots of things I did wrong in the past. Lots. Unfortunately I can't change a one of them. But I've moved on and am learning from the mistakes I've made. I'm not continuing to be malicious, I'm not arguing for arguments sake, I swear to fucking God. If I'm standing my ground it's because I honestly believe I am correct. There, that's it. I've said my piece. It's out of my hands. I can't let petty arguments linger in me, it's not healthy and certainly not worth it.

In much better news, it was 59 degrees when Ver and I drove by the temp sign last night. At TEN PM! WTF?! If I've ever needed to use an interrobang that would be the sentence. And if you know what one is, I love you (Ver :) ) I can't believe this bizarre hot weather. It'd be way nicer if say I was skinny enough to wear a skirt without my thighs starting a fire, if I wasn't a ginger and could absorb pigment, if our AC worked in the store, or if I was independently wealthy and could cruise on a high end super tiny tour boat all summer and be waited on by the hottest steward on earth. Yeah that would be the tits. But c'est la vie right? This is still the best summer of my life. Well, so far that is, who knows what the future holds.

Today I'm gonna bust out the majority of my payroll so I don't have to worry about it tomorrow morning. Ver and I are getting up early yet again, crazy I know! To go hike out to Dupont. I'm really excited, I've never been there and the weather is going to be perfect for it. Then I have to come to the shop, meet with the bookkeeper and do payroll. Then maybe use the internet and order prints of Sitka pictures while I wait for my love to get off the boat. Then I'm stealing her away to a beach. It's too nice for bars. That's for later that night!

Have a great weekend! I know I will! Ha!

The Best Me

First off, Sitka trip. Fantastic! Ver and I finally made it out of this town, but barely. So we decided to drink the night before, just a little, just to see how it feels :) I went home around 12:30, don't know when she went home. She picked me up in the morning to head to the ferry terminal and asked if I had the tickets on the way out there. I said we get them there all we need is our ID's. So she has me look through her purse for her wallet. No wallet. Yikes. So we flip a bitch and head back to her house. Tear it apart, still no wallet. We decide to check the bar in hopes the cleaners are there and they have it. No cleaners, still no wallet. So we rush over to her job and she gets a photocopy of her ID. Now we haul ass out to the ferry terminal which is about as far away as you can get in this town, still not knowing if they will let her on. We got there and pleaded our case and they let us on. Thank goodness! The ride was fun and boring. Got into town and the ex showed us all around Sitka, it was so much fun. That town is beautiful! He dropped us off at the PBar and we hung out with B's coworker till she got off the boat. Had some drinks, checked into our hotel, went back and had more drinks. It was so effing perfect! Best weekend of my life basically. And I get to see her this weekend, three in a row! The next one is gonna blow. I'm already planning a repeat trip next month.

Now onto me. Ver and I have been talking about being healthier since I've been on my own, and making baby steps towards it. But not really getting that far. After coming back from Sitka I got a massively bad flu and am just getting over it. Because of that my last pack of smokes lasted me like four days, pretty good for me. So I decided that pack was my last! Today Ver and I got up at 5:30 and walked 4.3 miles. I had breakfast, I put on a patch she gave me and got to work on time without coffee. So this is me working on me. I've come to the realization that part of the reason my prior relationships haven't worked is because I am so focused on becoming part of the other person and not staying my own person. I think by doing this I can give B the best me. And I deserve to be the best me. I feel great and so optimistic, I have my whole great life ahead of me. And I'm so excited for it.

And the all the fluttery-worried-excited feeling I had in my stomach all week prior to going to Sitka about telling B I loved her? Well she beat me to it, so I guess we are on exactly the same page. Life is fucking amazing!

Travel Plans

Sooo I bought a ticket to Sitka for next weekend. In my hurry to get out of town I bought a plane ticket. And it wasn't until after I bought it I realized I could have spent $200 less and bought a ferry ticket. And then V decided she wants to come with me. So yesterday I changed my Sitka ticket into a ticket to Anchorage in October. Then I bought ferry tickets for me and V. So now we are both going to Sitka and one way or another I'm going to Anchorage in October. The October plan is to fly to Anch and from there I can fly to the East Coast and visit my mom and g'mom. Then fly to Seattle and see my sis, then fly back to Anch and then back to Juneau. If the summer keeps going as it has, I will have someone to travel with as well. Then the East Coast part will become a mini road trip. If not, then just chilling with my mom. Either way I'm getting out of this town!
As much as it sucks, going through the summer in two week increments really helps the time go by quicker. And speaking of two weeks, this round is almost over! So excited for Saturday! If the weather stays nice, V and I are hiking out to Dupont at like 6AM. I hope it's still nice by then.

Life Is Good

It really really is. The weather has been amazing the last several weeks. Not days, weeks! Like it got to the 90's last week. Which is slightly hotter than my Alaskan body is used to, but it was fantastic none the less.
The summer is flying by, I can't believe it's already mid July! The 4th was fun. I didn't do the usual watch the parade then walk to Douglas. Instead I saw the very beginning of the parade and then ran away and got a tour of B's boat, The Mist Cove. Holy hell that thing is beautiful! I can see why people spend $5K for a week on it.
In other B news, I bought a ticket to visit her in Sitka in two weeks. Yeaa! I can't wait. I've never been to Sitka so that will be fun too, but I could really care less where I am as long as I get to spend time with her. And I'll get to see the ex dude so that will be cool too.
I just started running our other store and will be doing that for the next two weeks or so. It's a nice change from the shop, but I have a feeling I will just end up working all the time at both places. I don't know anything about glass compared to my five years of knife knowledge so that's a little weird to get used to. Lots of convincing sounding lies for now :)
V and I decided to quit drinking for a bit. We started a week ago today and are doing pretty good. Not a drink yet. I don't think I'm all that bad, but I know how I act when I'm drinking. And it's not so bad, but I really like B and I know drinking without her around would probably end in me doing something that would not be good. So no more wasted nights in the bar. At least not until next Saturday when she is safely by my side. Maybe not even then, I haven't decided. But I am saving lots of money already.
Speaking of saving money, V and I had the great idea to freeze our credit cards. We just keep using them on stuff we don't need but want and it's not getting us anywhere good. So we put all of our credit cards in a ziploc and put it in a plastic container and filled the container with water. And shoved it in her freezer. And there it's been for a week. So we're doing pretty damn good over all. It really helps to have a friend doing the same stuff along with me.
We're also trying to exercise and eat better. That's not going quite as well. We did walk over a very rocky beach yesterday, so that's good. I did eat one of the new McD's 3rd pounder burgers today, that's not so good. Eh baby steps right? And somewhere along the way I'll try and quit smoking again, but damn it can't I keep one vice? Please and thank you!
And that's my life at the moment. Absolutely in love and loving life.